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Prose

Another Academic Journal Falls for Postmodern Hoax
[William Morris | 29 July 2003]
It is no trivial thing that a butterfly flapping its wings in the depths of the Amazonian jungle can cause a cake to fall in Duluth…

Proposed Transcript of an Episode of MTV Cribs, to Be Filmed at My House
[Ryan Hamilton | 31 December 2002]
You can see we've got a refrigerator, a dishwasher, a toaster, a crock pot, and a George Foreman Grill. We use all of them from time to time…

Four Very Short Stories
[Amy Weston | 19 December 2002]
I don't like mince pies. It's because their insides are like dead flies…

In Brief, Volume IV
[Holly Smith | 25 September 2002]
Phil Donahue enraged his viewer last week when the MSNBC talk show host described himself as the "world's proudest liberal"…

That Nobody Thing
[Jeffrey Skinner | 4 June 2002]
I was in a car with David Letterman when he quite unexpectedly proposed marriage. I could see that he was serious…

Roma Sunflower Seed Cartel Releases Earnings Warning
[William Morris | 24 July 2001]
The recent flood of pre-packaged halvah and halvah-related products from Turkey has dampened consumer demand for the homegrown variety…

In Brief, Volume III
[Holly Smith | 12 June 2001]
The Corporation for Public Broadcasting predicts drastic cutbacks in its funding of hyperbole. Filmmaker Ken Burns is expected to be hardest hit…

Indian Summer
[Kristine Fielding | 11 May 2001]
It was one of those Indian summers, one of those times when everything is yellow and wrinkly like that butt-hard corn my mom throws on the table for a centerpiece at Thanksgiving…

Disappointed
[Josh Stott | 9 May 2001]
That really was a funny joke; I should write that down…

Pilot
[Scott Smith | 23 April 2001]
I had asked my tailor to make the pants into shorts, because I often feel unable to express my true self when I wear pants…

Tiger Tiger
[Mark St. George | 13 April 2001]
He guided the vintage Austin Healy roadster like the last survivor slouching toward some dubious finish line…

Eagle
[Scott Smith | 6 April 2001]
I would show my mother that the bird seed she had fed me as an infant had gone to my heart, not just my stomach…

Classons, Weakons, Leptons, and Quarks
[Michael Karpinski | 3 April 2001]
For your information, by the age of four, my aforementioned offspring was already capable of cataloguing 101 of the 103 elements in the Periodic Table…

Four Stories
[Anna Louise Thomas | 29 March 2001]
Mark really wanted an Eminem tattoo on his back. Although he worked hard during the summer, he still did not have enough money to get that tattoo…

CSU Stockton Announces New Program in E-Commerce
[William Morris | 12 March 2001]
We'll show those fools at the University of Phoenix that they're not the only ones that can teach this cyber-crap to their students…

In Brief, Volume II
[Holly Smith | 8 March 2001]
Barbra Streisand denies recent allegations that she somehow overestimates her relevance in the political arena…

Honey
[Monica Sabia | 12 February 2001]
Honey, you sure are looking good, I can't think of anything but you, I think about you all the time…

A Date Movie Timetable
[Matt Summers | 19 January 2001]
After the show we'd run home in the rain beneath the same umbrella. At home, we'd strip, hop into bed, then wrap our warm bodies around one another…

The First Two Pages of a Hardy Boys Book
[Marilyn Nelson | 5 January 2001]
Chet was a stocky fellow, and they sometimes suspected that he only came over for Aunt Gertrude's cooking…

The Fruitcake I Bury in My Backyard Each January
[Quinn Warnick | 28 November 2000]
I stand beside my back porch, digging the eighth identical, tiny grave, alongside the last seven years' unmarked martyrs…

Florida Man Swaps Ballots for Stereo
[Weston Cann | 22 November 2000]
He discovered one box contained not ballots but a three-disc CD player. He allegedly took it home and used it to play Air Supply…

Cryonic Prayer
[Ron Gibson, Jr. | 14 November 2000]
She prayed to be Joan of Arc, or perhaps Ganymede, pouring martinis for the gods. Chill, shake, pour…

Campaign 2000: The Elvis National Party, Part IV — Elvis Party Rocked by Scandal, Elvis Concedes Defeat
[Ryan Hamilton | 7 November 2000]
DNA tests proved a forty-five-year-old, five-foot five-inch, dark-skinned man from Montana was not, as he had initially claimed, the real Elvis Aron Presley…

Voices from Nature
[Matt Summers | 2 November 2000]
Maybe a poacher got him. Maybe a coyote. Maybe he acts in cereal commercials. Maybe they pour milk on him…

José and the Jaws of Death
[Frances LeMoine | 24 October 2000]
The hamster's rear right paw was caught in one of the spokes of his exercise wheel. The wheel had a blue rim and yellow spokes…

Gallagher vs. Gallagher
[Alan Roberts | 16 October 2000]
It may come as a surprise to you that Gallagher, the prop-dependent comedian, has a brother who travels around the country performing as him…

Dear Parents
[Holly Smith | 10 October 2000]
Please make sure your child's knapsack contains at least one pediatric tourniquet, available at most medical supply stores and the I-34 Wal-Mart…

Campaign 2000: The Elvis National Party, Part III: Elvis Party Split, Rouge Candidate Could Be Awarded Matching Funds
[Ryan Hamilton | 6 October 2000]
How could anyone think that I, Elvis Presley, would support school vouchers? And term limits? Elvis does not support term limits…

The Book of Pop Culture Lamentations, King James Version
[Ryan Hamilton | 29 September 2000]
Yea, and it was because decisions were made by committees in suits and by focus groups and by market research that this great evil did come to pass…

Being Steve's Friend
[Alan Roberts | 25 September 2000]
Steve and I are like this. By "this," I mean index and middle fingers intertwined in a vainglorious display of human affection…

Block, Copy, or Destroy?
[Weston Cann | 20 September 2000]
Welcome to Universal Imaging Services. My name is Tanya. How may I be of service today?…

Story Written with the Dictionary.com Words of the Day for 1 September through 5 September 2000: Ascetic, Excoriate, Dilettante, Truckle, Nugatory
[Melody McGrath | 18 September 2000]
Flee Babylon, and let the Devil watch your behind waggling. And whatever you do, don't truckle in the face of ridicule…

In Brief
[Holly Smith | 8 September 2000]
Scientists are racing toward the discovery of a new drug to counteract the effects of Ritalin…

Campaign 2000: The Elvis National Party, Part II: Elvis Party Holds Convention, Nominates Elvis for President
[Ryan Hamilton | 1 September 2000]
For too long now, the Elvis party has been seen as the party of white, middle class, cape-wearing men…

Fess Parker's Legacy
[Alan Roberts | 29 August 2000]
It turns out the former Western TV idol has been churning out alcoholic beverages for the masses for many years…

Linoleum
[Jason Gurley | 28 August 2000]
I met a man once, she says. Years ago. I met this man when I was at the state fair with my family, she says…

I Have Come to New York to Eat a Hot Dog
[Quinn Warnick | 23 August 2000]
I do not sit to eat because I have seen men in the movies eat their hot dogs while they walk. I desire to do the same…

Good Mornin', Heartache
[Bridgett C. Gayle | 22 August 2000]
It's funny how when your eyes can no longer see what's right in front of you the other senses try to take its place…

Things to Do in Your Basement
[Holly Smith | 18 August 2000]
Go ahead and stay slumped over the ottoman while I place my fists just under your sternum and proceed to deliver a series of short, upward thrusts…

Campaign 2000: The Elvis National Party, Part I: Elvis Announces Running Mate
[Ryan Hamilton | 11 August 2000]
Calhoon is seen as a black sheep, shying away from donning the jumpsuits and sequins worn by many of the party's old guard…

A Conversation that Inspired this Piece but Never Actually Took Place (at least not involving me or anyone I've ever known — at least not that they've told me — though I'm sure it's possible that these exact words were exchanged)
[Josh Stott | 9 August 2000]
You're funny and all, at least my wife's always readin' your stories and laughin' her damn head off, I tell ya…

Three Short Stories, in No Particular Order
[Greg Taylor | 4 August 2000]
He could drink twice as much as any other man, and made his living betting people in Ireland that he could drink them under the table…

Rent-A-Pet
[Tom Johnson | 2 August 2000]
Each of the dogs will be harmless, but there will still be a form to fill out, saying something to the effect that if this dog goes nutso you can't sue me…

A Sting Concert Travelogue: The Englishman Who Came to a Concert and Left a Strip Club
[Josh Stott | 28 July 2000]
I remain unaware that a porno show is about to begin. In retrospect, I should have guessed it when the bra came off of the sixty-year-old woman…

Microsoft Antitrust Episode IV: A New Hope
[Ryan Hamilton | 24 July 2000]
You'll never get away with this Lord Gates. The more you tighten your grip, the more linux users will slip through your fingers…

Breakfast
[Melody McGrath | 24 July 2000]
The butter is hissing, ready. She lays the bacon in strip by strip, gently, like putting a baby in its crib…

Poetry

At the Mapco
[Corey Mesler | 25 August 2003]
Jesus walks up to the counter with a Mountain Dew and a package of Oreos…

on reading keats at the lube express
[R.A. Villanueva | 14 January 2003]
i wonder if he has ever sung in the shower by himself as he scrapes the smell of gasoline from beneath his fingernails…

sonnet
[John Sweet | 26 December 2002]
five miles of static and then ten and then the beginnings of another town…

About this Thing (a found poem)
[C.E. Laine | 12 September 2002]
Never embarass us in public advertising. You might be wrong…

Tito's Tacos
[Weston Cann | 19 July 2002]
Above the shredded lettuce is cheese that's been made to sweat just enough oil…

Chopping Carrots
[Jack Cannon | 7 June 2002]
It's a rough calculation but I figure I've spent over six months of my life cleaning the fridge…

7th Grade English, September 12, 2001
[Deborah Bjarnason | 16 April 2002]
Put your hands over your eyes, I say, and say all of the prepositions you can…

We, Too (a found poem explaining this site's truly irregular posting habits)
[Steve Schlesselman | 28 January 2002]
We are too busy eating…

Advertisement on a Japanese Florist's Bag (a found poem)
[Matthew Warnick | 13 July 2001]
Please look at my fresh face. Please receive it just when you open your heart…

The White-Trash Poet
[Joseph Hunt | 6 June 2001]
I wrote mostly about the police and how they were trying to crack down on my illegal crack operation…

The Ground Eaters
[Dennis Collins Johnson | 10 April 2001]
I just read about how some slaves in early America would eat earth, ordinary earth, in order to kill themselves, rather than live as slaves…

First Line Overheard
[Andrew Miller | 28 March 2001]
You slid along the hardwood floor without a care in the world…

The Bird and the Egg: An Unintentional Poem, Found in a Regional Literacy Training Newsletter that Instructs Tutors, "Read After Skill Book 1, Lesson 5"
[Quinn Warnick | 28 February 2001]
The bird is in a box. The snake is in a box. The fish is in a pan…

Come the Winter
[Weston Cann | 8 February 2001]
Come those chilled winds full of killing and change, of summer and leaves lost to litter…

The Tumult and the Shouting Dies: Two Recently Found Poems
[Quinn Warnick | 15 December 2000]
Gore and I gave it our all. I understand how difficult this moment must be…

Sinatra (an epic poem)
[Chris Clement | 12 December 2000]
Frank, filled now with power beyond explanation, hurls sick man through the window of the balcony above the stage…

The City in Which I Love You (and steal lines from good poets to prove it)
[Alisa Muelleck | 6 December 2000]
I breathe some things I do not profess; you neither can nor should understand what it means…

Enned
[Frances LeMoine | 15 November 2000]
enticed, entwined, enraptured, engaged…

Judas Walked Slower
[Joseph Hunt | 8 November 2000]
Judas walked slower than the other apostles when they went on promenades…

Carrot Sticks (a bad poem about one of life's simple pleasures)
[Eric Hanson | 26 October 2000]
Orange and bendy, they lie on the plate, waiting…

On a Bad Day
[Quinn Warnick | 17 October 2000]
I have written enough to know…

Mama Finally Has Email (a found poem)
[Abby Parcell | 13 October 2000]
His hair is still on the side of the H&R Block building; however, the surgery seemed to be successful…

Whistle
[Frances LeMoine | 11 October 2000]
Late at night I've been listening for the tap of small stones against this window…

you (an intentionally bad poem, indicated primarily by its centeredness)
[Marilyn Nelson | 5 September 2000]
You took my heart in your hands so strong but then you left it on the porch to just get cold and wet…

Futility of Flight (Found in the Meridian Star, 23 August 2000)
[Dot Murphy | 1 September 2000]
Some say they saw nothing, others will not talk…

Under a Bridge at the Riverwalk, San Antonio, August 1999
[Mary Urban | 18 August 2000]
You didn't see me compare us to their happiness, you just looked at that green water, like it would solve things…

A Drummer Speaks to New Tenants
[Marilyn Nelson | 15 August 2000]
In the backyard, there is a toilet perched on a spindly pipe like a speared peach. That, too, must stay…

[Untitled]
[Charles Parkinson Fry | 11 August 2000]
My only mop is the shirt off my back…

Business, as Usual
[Joseph Hunt | 10 August 2000]
Public relations thinks it's those one poems that talk about the poem inside the poem…

Hermosillo
[William DeFord | 8 August 2000]
I squat among cheap metal crosses winking above bare dust in a cemetery by the school, conscious of the staring children beyond the fence…

Mukuntaweep
[Sally Stratford | 4 August 2000]
He talked about the badger's bag of stars and how coyote stole it, spreading the Milky Way…

Old McDonald [Had a Farm]
[Joseph Hunt | 26 July 2000]
The revolver is merely to emphasize my point. It's not even loaded — see? My moustache isn't real, either…

Three Intentionally Bad Bitter Poems (best when read aloud)
[Greg Taylor | 24 July 2000]
Oh bitter heart embittered by the bitter bile of lies that spew from the woman's mouth…

Eighty-two Cents in My Pocket Deliver Their State of the Union Address (a found poem)
[Quinn Warnick | 24 July 2000]
United pluribus of Unum. United states of America…

Eight Epiphanies
[Karl Thomas Rees | 24 July 2000]
Speaking to Jerry Seinfeld on the payphone helps me to better respect women…

(Mostly) Quoting Dana Gioia (a found poem)
[Abby Parcell | 24 July 2000]
The appetite itself is not an especially sophisticated thing…

Miscellanea

Pieces that do not readily fall into one of the other categories are grouped here. We have given them a home here at the site; won't you give them a home in your heart?

Selections from "The Vent," a Weekly Feature in My Local Newspaper, in which Elderly Residents of a Small Community Anonymously Attack One Another, Offer Unsolicited Advice, and Lament the Decline of Civilization
[Quinn Warnick | 25 October 2003]
These days, it's commonplace to see teenagers frolicking around in utter joy, but yet oblivious of their horrible acne…

Scan-U-Up
[Holly Smith | 22 September 2003]
You can't spell 'If only I'd discovered that suspicious mass sooner' without D-E-A-T-H…

Sheryl Crow Addresses the American Cancer Society
[Holly Smith | 26 February 2003]
Sure, the fatigue, nausea, and looming specter of death are awful, but they're small burdens compared to the price paid by one's chi

Randomly Chosen Words and Their Multisyllabic Rhyming Companions, as Suggested by the International Library of Poetry's Online Rhyming Dictionary
[Quinn Warnick | 21 November 2002]
girl — sausage curl…

Sea Monkey Diary
[Matt Kirkpatrick | 22 October 2002]
My boss came back to my office and, thinking that the Sea Monkeys' Ocean Zoo was a snow globe, picked it up, turned it over, and shook it…

The Billboard Top 40 Songs Improved by Replacing "Heart" with "Horse"
[Matthew Warnick | 11 October 2002]
Toni Braxton — Unbreak My Horse…

Introductory Phrases that May or May Not Help You Climb the Corporate Ladder
[Justin Rood | 16 September 2002]
Jimmy, meet Bob. You guys are both on my A-list, I can't believe you haven't met before…

A Letter from a Concerned Reader Regarding the Unusually Hot Weather
[Alan Roberts | 5 August 2002]
In my day you could go outside for hours on end and lie in a hammock, eat a peach, throw the pit at a squirrel, drink a beer, read the National Review…

Two Coworkers, Overheard between the Train Station and the Office, Discuss Pressing Matters of the Day
[Quinn Warnick | 31 July 2002]
You know what's really funny? "Scrubs." That new doctor show. Hilarious. Best new show in a long time…

Selections from Customer Reviews of The Brothers Karamazov, Posted on Amazon.com
[Quinn Warnick | 1 July 2002]
One feels like every paragraph is the climax of the story, and that every character is a cocaine addict who can't score any blow…

Recent Contributors to The New Yorker
[Holly Smith | 1 June 2002]
This article's publication fulfills the terms of a judgment against Condé Nast Publications, Inc…

A Recent Advertisement, Found on AustinHelpWanted.com, Grammar and Spelling Uncorrected
[J. Alpern | 28 May 2002]
We are looking for highly intovated people that already have a storefront and can run a franchise business within the store you already have…

The Ralph Macchio Fan Club
[Matthew Warnick | 25 February 2002]
You will be initiated as a full-fledged club member by a simultaneous "crane kick" from each the club's current members…

Where's Osama Been? (A Collection of Timely Riddles)
[Alan Roberts | 7 November 2001]
Why did the wives of the al Qaeda leader get upset over his infidelity?…

Chicken Soup for the Pedophile's Soul
[Holly Smith | 10 September 2001]
Our attorneys advise us that it would be a felony merely to allude to chapters four through eight, let alone to publish them…

Several "West Wing" Viewers Fail to Grasp the Difference between Fact and Fiction: A Tribute to Mrs. Landingham
[Quinn Warnick | 3 September 2001]
You were the conscience of a nation, a conscience who kept a cookie jar on her desk…

Anticipated Frivolous Lawsuits of the Next Decade
[Ryan Hamilton | 18 June 2001]
Ms. Gifford, 16, is seeking compensation for the humiliation of not being asked to the Junior Prom…

Instructions on Removing the Foldover Top Label from a Pair of Sears White Crew Socks
[J.C. Frampton | 9 June 2001]
Insert thumbnail under paper and ease up a corner. Tear off a triangular strip about three centimeters long…

A Taxonomy of Several Popular Soap Operas, as Chronicled in One Edition of TV Week
[Michelle Otto | 4 June 2001]
Timmy's accident creates chaos in Harmony. (So what else is new?)…

No Wonder the Union Broke Up: Indecipherable yet Strangely Compelling Russian Ad Copy
[Nancy Bauer | 2 May 2001]
Female sexual/floor organs/controls are teplye, are vlazhnye and are calling to sebe…

Chicken Soup for the Somehow Unsatisfied Soul
[Ryan Hamilton | 25 April 2001]
We hate ourselves for doing this, but hey, we're rich now and you obviously don't deserve any better…

Translations of Romanian Sayings that Employ the Word "Tail"
[William Morris | 20 April 2001]
The entire cow I ate and I fatigued myself on the tail…

Features of Macintosh OSX
[Corey Bell | 27 March 2001]
Virtual wink tool designed to mitigate inevitable loneliness of Macintosh users…

Corrections
[The White Shoe Staff | 24 March 2001]
If you can remember what we printed, we're sorry for the whole thing. That was just a really bad day for all of us…

Actual Posts Found on a Message Board Dedicated to Magician David Blaine, Grammar and Spelling Uncorrected
[J. Alpern | 22 March 2001]
It is of shrouding mind that I percieve his events of completing the Tasks of the Mind. He must be stopped at all costs…

Self-Help Books for Children
[Alan Roberts | 16 March 2001]
Boys Are From Poopy World, Girls Are From Smelly Land…

Inspirational Quotes by Members of "Team Elite," Whose Native Language May or May Not Be English, Found on a Display Near the Entry of My Workplace
[Josh Stott | 2 March 2001]
To change one's life, start immediately. There is nothing we can't do, except that for some it takes a bit longer…

To Milton (a translation)
[Marilyn Nelson | 20 February 2001]
Milton, your soul lived galaxies away, And one could drown beneath your soggy prose…

Instructions for Unsubscribing from This Email List
[Josh Stott | 15 February 2001]
If you still want to unsubscribe, don't worry, we'll be controlling all of your email soon enough…

Words and Phrases that, When Entered into Search Engines, Have Directed Visitors to The White Shoe Irregular
[The White Shoe Staff | 30 January 2001]
kate winslet with armpit hair, kate winslet topless…

Questions Posed by Talk Shows at Commercial Breaks, Inviting Potential Future Guests to Call Now
[Quinn Warnick | 24 January 2001]
Are you devastated because your thirteen- or fourteen-year-old daughter is having sex, dressing sexy, and is out of control?…

Alan Roberts Jokes
[Alan Roberts | 17 January 2001]
Alan Roberts is walking on the beach when he happens upon a lantern. He opens it and a genie pops out, has a massive stroke, then dies on the spot…

Selections from the Gotham State University Course Catalog
[Ryan Hamilton | 12 January 2001]
Learn the secrets behind bombs, viruses, weather-control devices, and giant orbiting lasers. Lab required…

Two Children Discuss Theological Differences
[Angela Zimmerman | 10 January 2001]
I know why Santa doesn't visit your house…

Doubleday Book Club Selections and Their Accompanying Descriptions, as Found on the Doubleday Website, Presented to You in Quiz Format
[Jana Lee | 3 January 2001]
Match each Book Club selection with one of the descriptions found below. Use each answer only once…

Which Holiday Facts Are Informative, Which Are Completely Untrue? Maybe Only I Will Ever Really Know.
[Josh Stott | 8 December 2000]
To celebrate the New Year in Tibet, Buddhist monks create elaborate yak-butter sculptures depicting a different story or fable…

A Chinese Perspective on Dieting: Translated Passages from "Speed-Up Chinese," an Introductory Textbook
[Holli J. Keel | 5 December 2000]
Xiao Ma is getting fatter recently. She decides to go on a diet. Her classmates give her a lot of advices on dieting: Firstly take less rice and sweet foods…

"Having FUN at the Galaxy Diner is really Hip, Daddy-O": Unedited Selections from "Galaxy Lingo," a Guide to 1950s Phrasology, Graciously Provided, at No Cost, to Patrons of the Galaxy Diner
[Quinn Warnick | 1 December 2000]
Lets get Cruisin' you Rockin' Hip Cat and learn the Lingo…

One of the Many Reasons I Am No Longer Welcome at My Local Supermarket
[Quinn Warnick | 30 November 2000]
Cash value: $0.16…

Chicken Soup for the Stomach
[Marilyn Nelson | 29 November 2000]
Remove chicken from broth. While chicken cools, cut up vegetables and put them in chicken broth…

On Thanksgiving Celebrate Producers
[The Ayn Rand Institute | 22 November 2000]
We should turn Thanksgiving into a wholly secular celebration of production and individual ability…

An Online Conversation with Lita about Her Perceived Level of Safety at School
[Josh Stott | 21 November 2000]
This dude shot Tony in da foot with a bb gun, and Tony pulled a knife on him…

Seventy Available Dotcoms I Am Considering Registering
[Quinn Warnick | 9 November 2000]
farmingquinnwarnick.com, sowingquinnwarnick.com, reapingquinnwarnick.com…

Thirty Odd Fortunes
[Alan Roberts | 1 November 2000]
The cloven hooves of Mephistopheles cannot begin to compare to your cuticles…

Three Overheard Items Recently Passed Along to the Redactor Volume II
[The White Shoe Staff | 31 October 2000]
While en route to lunch, two interns reconsider their summer jobs…

Musings of Phil, a JAVA Programmer Who Spends Altogether Too Much Time Thinking to Himself in Computer Code
[Josh Stott | 13 October 2000]
if bossNotLooking then phil.begin(gameComputer);…

Four Scenic Items from the Bay Area
[William Morris | 6 October 2000]
BART has adopted a "zero" tolerance policy for assault or battery towards any BART employee…

Why I Am Not Smart Enough to Subscribe to The New York Review of Books: Exhibits from a Failed Direct Mail Campaign
[Quinn Warnick | 3 October 2000]
In each issue, one can count on being thrust front and center amidst the ongoing debate of ideas — without the distraction of shallow thinking…

An Exercise in Sentence Diagramming
[Michael Madsen | 27 September 2000]
At home in the doublewide, an unceasingly conscientious Leona always employs discarded peach can lids for coasters…

My Wife and I Discuss Our Daughter's Underwear (Or, Overhearing Myself)
[Jim O'Brien | 22 September 2000]
I fathered the children who made the underwear in Kathy Lee's sweatshop…

When One Orange Grower Meets Another: Understood Wisdom
[Matt Summers | 22 September 2000]
Topic: Methods of In-Store Orange Presentation…

Prank Calls to Moe the Bartender, Translated by a Computer from English to French, Then from French to German, and Finally from German to English
[Josh Stott | 30 August 2000]
If I never receive a seizure from you, I schwren that I will cut your open antinode bulge…

A Message from a Disgruntled Reader, Addressing Current Television Programming
[Matt Graham | 29 August 2000]
I'm rich because you chump Americans love watching worthless television that is second only to Teletubbies in the dumbing down of America…

A Taxonomy of Colors Found in a Single J. Crew Catalog
[Quinn Warnick | 25 August 2000]
Things I Should Not Put in My Mouth, No Matter How Curious I Might Be…

Some Things I Have Overheard
[Marilyn Nelson | 24 August 2000]
This is a poem I wrote, in French. I don't speak French, but I have a French dictionary…

How French People Handle the Unfamiliar
[Neil Whitaker | 17 August 2000]
What is this that this is that this there?…

Three Overheard Items Recently Passed Along to the Redactor, Volume I
[The White Shoe Staff | 16 August 2000]
Your pee-pee is dirty! Wash your hands…

Ten Signs Recently Posted on the Churches in My Neighborhood
[Quinn Warnick | 14 August 2000]
If God is your copilot, switch seats…

Absolutely Real Items Overheard Online, Grammar and Spelling Uncorrected
[Josh Stott | 3 August 2000]
If you to be my girlfriend if she want I'm ready please don't dump me after I like you…

A Transcription of the Message Heard on the Brown & Williamson Customer Service Hotline
[Quinn Warnick | 1 August 2000]
Oh, the tobacco plant is a lovely plant, its leaves so broad and green, but you shouldn't think about the tobacco plant if you're still a teen…

Direct English Translation of a Common Greeting Used in Poland
[Mindy Gerun | 1 August 2000]
Fine, fine, Mr. Beaver. And you?…

Phrases of Encouragement and/or Warning Used by People Who Want Me to Forward Their Email Messages to Other Uninterested Parties
[Quinn Warnick | 27 July 2000]
Once again, this could be considered an urban legend. There is no signature at the bottom. I send these on because there is a small chance they might be true…

Selected Events from the Schedule of a Free Science Fiction and Fantasy Conference Entitled, "Life, the Universe, & Everything," Held 23-25 March 2000
[Quinn Warnick | 24 July 2000]
8:30 P.M. — Filk for all…

Two Signs Posted on the Community Bulletin Board in a Houston Housing Project
[Quinn Warnick | 24 July 2000]
Those in Hell are suffocating forever with screams of horror forever. You must go to church…

Three Conversations Recently Overheard at the National Zoo, and One at an Italian Restaurant (In Total, then, Four Conversations)
[Quinn Warnick | 24 July 2000]
Hey, idiot, do you know what hot dogs are made of?…

Direct English Translation of a Common Doorstep Greeting Used by Puerto Rican Children on Halloween
[Melody McGrath | 24 July 2000]
Halloween, trick or treat! Give me money, not peanuts…

Direct English Translation of "Do Re Mi," from the Israeli Soundtrack to The Sound of Music
[William DeFord | 24 July 2000]
Mi, all the people in the neighborhood…

Highlights from the Congressional Record

This department will introduce you to the people, places, organizations, and events recently honored by members of the United States Congress. All quotes are taken directly from the Congressional Record, which is available online and printed each day Congress is in session.

Honoring Zion Missionary Baptist Church
[Representative Dale E. Kildee | 11 December 2003]
Through prayer and perseverance, Reverend Austin balanced the Church books, and inspired the Church members to pledge toward a new building and expanded educational facility…

Hillbillies
[Senator Zell Miller | 3 March 2003]
CBS, Viacom, Mr. Moonves: I plead with you to call off your hillbilly hunt. Make your big bucks some other way…

Recognizing the Ansonia Pop Warner Junior PeeWee Cheerleaders on their Trip to the National Championships
[Representative Rosa L. DeLauro | 23 January 2003]
The girls haven't missed a beat, even when, during the regional competition, a judge accidently stopped their music halfway through their routine…

Recognizing the Significant Contributions of Paul Ecke, Jr. to the Poinsettia Industry
[Representative Randy (Duke) Cunningham | 26 September 2002]
Paul Ecke, Jr. helped to make poinsettias the best-selling potted flowering plant in the United States and in the world…

Jim Traficant Bids Farewell to the House of Representatives
[Representative James A. Traficant, Jr. | 25 July 2002]
Have I changed my pants? No. Deep down my colleagues know they want to wear wider bottoms; they are just not secure enough to do it…

"I Believe that Art is Magical": Musings on Art and the Role of the NEA
[Representative Jack Kingston | 22 July 2002]
Doggone it, I cannot drive my car without the radio going, because, Mr. Chairman, I do not always want to go to work…

Eulogy of the Dog
[Senator Harry Reid | 10 May 2002]
He was a great fighter and protector of us. He could appear very mean, but he wasn't mean at all…

PICKUP: People In Congress Keep Us Perplexed
[Senator Zell Miller | 18 March 2002]
As the pickup goes, so goes the working man and the very heart of this country…

On His Ninety-Ninth Birthday, Strom Thurmond Looks for Some Action
[Senator Strom Thurmond and Colleagues | 12 December 2001]
I want to thank all of you. I appreciate every one of you, especially you ladies. You're all good looking…

Tribute to Rush Limbaugh
[Representative Sue Wilkins Myrick | 31 October 2001]
I salute you, Mr. Limbaugh. You're a great American…

Recognizing the Houston Family Reunion
[Representative Ken Bentsen | 20 June 2001]
During this year's festivities, Dr. Joe Reed, Sr., the family's historian, will present an in-depth look at the family's ancestry…

From Our Family to Yours
[Representative Heather Wilson | 21 May 2001]
The Baca brothers recalled the yearly family tradition popular throughout New Mexico for roasting fresh green chile over an open flame and freezing it for the winter months…

Only in America: Jim Trafficant's Recent One-Minute Speeches
[Representative James A. Traficant, Jr. | 7 May 2001]
I advise all men in America against taking women to drive-in movies who may end up getting shot in a passionate embrace…

In Recognition of Ernest Pepples and His Service to the U.S. Tobacco Industry
[Representative Saxby Chambliss | 18 April 2001]
Ernie has had a distinguished and honorable career within the global and U.S. tobacco industry and deserves the recognition of Congress…

A Tribute to Phillip Burg for Two Million Miles of Safe Driving
[Representative Jerry Lewis | 9 April 2001]
To put this in perspective, the average car driver would have to travel around the world eighty times to equal this milestone…

Congratulating Cloud County Community College
[Representative Jerry Moran | 2 April 2001]
This past Saturday, the lady Thunderbirds won the National Junior College Athletic Association national title…

Elias "Skip" Ashooh
[Senator Bob Smith | 14 March 2001]
After many years of teaching, Skip launched a new career as a licensed stock broker…

Mr. Amigo 2000
[Representative Solomon P. Ortiz | 26 February 2001]
During his career he has shared the stage with well-known personalities such as: Marco Antonio Muñiz (his father), Cecilia Gallardo, and Alberto Vasquez…

In Honor of Darien's 2000 Citizen of the Year
[Representative Judy Biggert | 6 February 2001]
But we also know that there are those in our communities that set a shining example to which we all should aspire. Dee Leverson is one of those people…

Tribute to Michael Carey
[Senator Patrick J. Leahy | 22 January 2001]
Vermont is fortunate that it still has at least one major radio station that has not forgotten its connection to the community…

A Special Tribute to William D. Hooper, D.D.S., for His Dedicated Service to Columbus, Ohio
[Representative Paul E. Gillmor | 16 January 2001]
Dr. Hooper has trained under some of the most recognized names in dentistry, such as Dr. Frank Spear of Seattle, Washington…

Several Members of the House of Representatives Fail to Understand the Rules of a Joint Session of Congress
[Vice President Al Gore and Various Representatives | 8 January 2001]
Is the objection in writing and signed by a Member of the House of Representatives and a Senator?…

One Day in Peace
[Senator Paul Wellstone | 1 January 2001]
Whereas celebration by the breaking of bread together traditionally has been the means by which individuals, societies, and nations join together in peace…

In Honor of Munawar Hussain
[Representative Dennis J. Kucinich | 18 December 2000]
For four years, he worked diligently to save enough capital to buy the 7-Eleven store and bring it under his private ownership…

In Tribute to Jim and Marie McCoy
[Representative Elton Gallegly | 11 December 2000]
McCoy's Automotive offers foreign and domestic car service to its customers. Jim and Marie McCoy offer dedication and devotion to their community…

Stanky and the Coal Miners Celebrate Fifty-Fifth Anniversary
[Representative Paul E. Kanjorski | 4 December 2000]
When he is in Northeastern Pennsylvania, Stanky also devotes one or two days a week to playing concerts at local rest homes…

In Honor of Colette Kove, Newly Elected Supreme President of the Women's Auxiliary to the Military Order of the Cootie
[Representative David E. Bonior | 27 November 2000]
Please join me in congratulating Colette Kove on her election as Supreme President of the Women's Auxiliary to the Military Order of the Cootie…

"Lord, We All Love a Winner": The First Post-Election Senate Prayer
[Senate Chaplain Dr. Lloyd John Ogilvie | 20 November 2000]
We grow in confidence as we remember that You have sustained us in crises over contested presidential elections at crucial times in our history…

In Honor of Olga Chorens and Tony Alvarez, "Olga and Tony"
[Representative Robert Menendez | 13 November 2000]
Because of their popularity, Olga and Tony were named Miss and Mr. Cuban Television…

A Salute to Creative Popular Culture
[Representative Major R. Owens | 6 November 2000]
Be loud about your love, put passion in your dove; the greatest generation take orders only from above…

Special Recognition of Samoan Heavyweight Boxer David Tua
[Representative Eni F.H. Faleomavaega | 30 October 2000]
I wear a skirt, but you better not laugh, cause it won't be funny when I break you in half…

Santiago Jimenez Receives Prestigious Musician Award
[Representative Ciro D. Rodriguez | 23 October 2000]
The National Endowment for the Arts has awarded only slightly more than 222 National Heritage Awards…

Welcoming the "Islendingur" in Celebration of the Millennial Anniversary of Leif Ericson's Viking Voyage across the Atlantic
[Representative Rosa L. DeLauro | 16 October 2000]
I am honored to rise today and join the Icelandic Millennium Commission and the New Haven community in commemorating this very special era of our history…

Friedman Bag Company Celebrates Over Seventy Years of Operation
[Representative Lucille Roybal-Allard | 9 October 2000]
The Friedmans succeeded, eventually becoming one of the largest suppliers of textile and polyethylene bags in the West…

Two Senators Discuss the Prayer of Dr. James D. Miller, Guest Chaplain
[Senators James N. Inhofe and Harry Reid | 2 October 2000]
Oklahoma wasn't even a State until 1907, and yet the First Presbyterian Church started in 1885…

Honoring the 112th Birthday of World War I Veteran John Painter
[Representative Bart Gordon | 25 September 2000]
I rise today to wish a happy 112th birthday to Tennessee's oldest surviving World War I veteran, John George Painter of Hermitage Springs…

Dogs in Service to Mankind
[Representative Nita M. Lowey | 18 September 2000]
These amazing creatures can even warn a person that a heart attack or epileptic seizure is about to occur…

Honoring Norm Antinetti
[Representative Gary A. Condit | 4 September 2000]
There's a saying in Oakdale, Mr. Speaker: If you grew up in Oakdale and played basketball, you know Norm…

Honoring Louis' Lunch on Its 15th Anniversary
[Representative Rosa L. DeLauro | 28 August 2000]
Your choice of three acceptable garnishes: cheese, tomato, and onion. Requests for ketchup or mustard are briskly declined…

The Texas Shrimp Association
[Representative Solomon P. Ortiz | 21 August 2000]
Life has never been easy for those who cast their nets for shrimp. Shrimping is hard, dangerous, dirty, and many times lonely…

Congratulations to Maggie Miller
[Senator Byron L. Dorgan | 14 August 2000]
Last year Maggie, who was age eighty-two at the time, bowled a 204. Then she broke her wrist and has had to take the summer off…

Tribute to Daune Weiss, Buergermeister for the Gaylord, Michigan, Alpenfest 2000
[Representative Bart Stupack | 7 August 2000]
The local paper describes this honor as the equivalent of being named the Citizen of the Year for Gaylord and Otsego County…

Jim Collins: A Half Century of Journalism
[Representative Steven C. LaTourette | 31 July 2000]
The same year Jim became a reporter, Peanuts debuted, Alger Hiss was convicted, the first telephone answering machine was invented…

New Jersey Devils Are New Jersey's Angels
[Representative Stephen R. Rothman | 24 July 2000]
In the finals, they were the underdogs against the defending champs, and we in New Jersey love an underdog…

Tribute to Dan Rattiner
[Representative Michael P. Forbes | 17 July 2000]
Dan Rattiner's story is that of many seeking the American dream…

Tribute to Matt Linwong
[Representative John Shimkus | 10 July 2000]
Matt has been accepted to the Illinois Math and Science Academy in Aurora, IL…

Congratulating Thirty Sixth Graders of Shady Lane Elementary School
[Representative Robert E. Andrews | 3 July 2000]
Ms. Pat Campanile's sixth grade class is an outstanding group of young people…

In Recognition of the Fiftieth Anniversary of Cool Crest
[Representative Karen McCarthy | 26 June 2000]
The video games are cutting-edge to keep players of all ages satisfied…

Carl "Bobo" Olson Inducted into International Boxing Hall of Fame
[Senator Daniel K. Akaka | 19 June 2000]
He began fighting professionally at age sixteen, and won nineteen fights before he reached the age where he could legally box on the mainland circuit…

Lofty and Low

Lofty and Low is an every-so-often feature wherein we list ten things that bring us joy and ten things that cause us pain.

Lofty and Low Volume XXV: The Two Words Edition
[Weston Cann | 10 July 2003]
Lofty: Tax Free, Low: Annual Exam…

Lofty and Low Volume XXIV: The Yin Yang Edition
[Hillary Viswanathan | 4 December 2002]
Lofty: Rain, Low: Rain…

Lofty and Low Volume XXIII: The Melbourne, Australia Edition
[Sam Wareing | 15 July 2002]
Lofty: Sticky Carpet, Low: Fines for gig posters…

Lofty and Low Volume XXII: The IT Support Center Edition
[Jim O'Brien | 24 May 2002]
Low: Burnt coffee, Lofty: Donuts…

Lofty and Low Volume XXI: The 1980s Innovations Edition
[Josh Stott | 22 June 2001]
Lofty: Atari 2600, Low: Pegged Pants…

Lofty and Low Volume XX: The Literal Edition
[Weston Cann | 30 April 2001]
Lofty: Sky Rockets in Flight, Low: John Brown's Body…

Lofty and Low Volume XIX: The Elementary School Edition
[Jana Lee | 11 April 2001]
Lofty: Monkey bars, Low: Lunch duty…

Lofty and Low Volume XVIII: The Hare Krishna Edition
[Brahmatirtha Das | 30 March 2001]
Lofty: Nectar, Low: Stool…

Lofty and Low Volume XVII: The AOL Instant Messenger Abbreviations and Acronyms Edition
[Josh Stott | 26 January 2001]
Lofty: IMNSHO, Low: thx…

Lofty and Low Volume XVI: The Programmers Edition
[Josh Stott | 20 December 2000]
Lofty: Object destruction, Low: Nested data structures…

Lofty and Low Volume XV: The Thanksgiving Edition
[The White Shoe Staff | 22 November 2000]
Lofty: Turkey coma, Low: Waking up from turkey coma…

Lofty and Low Volume XIV
[The White Shoe Staff | 8 November 2000]
Lofty: Frito Pie, Low: East Coast customer service…

Lofty and Low Volume XIII: The Look-It-Up Edition
[The White Shoe Staff | 25 October 2000]
Lofty: The Bessemer Process, Low: In forma pauperis…

Lofty and Low Volume XII: The Pairs Edition
[The White Shoe Staff | 11 October 2000]
Lofty: Taco Bell/Pachalbel, Low: Bill Clinton/Clint Black…

Lofty and Low Volume XI: The Matrix Edition
[C.E. Laine | 4 October 2000]
Lofty: Bald kids who bend spoons, Low: Synthesized protein…

Lofty and Low Volume X
[The White Shoe Staff | 27 September 2000]
Lofty: Congo Bongo, Low: Standardized tests…

Lofty and Low Volume IX: The von Trapp Edition
[The White Shoe Staff | 20 September 2000]
Lofty: Brown paper packages tied up with string, Low: When the bee stings…

Lofty and Low Volume VIII
[The White Shoe Staff | 13 September 2000]
Lofty: Nectar, Low: Toe hair…

Lofty and Low Volume VII: The Acronym Edition
[The White Shoe Staff | 6 September 2000]
Lofty: WYSIWYG, Low: FICA…

Lofty and Low Volume VI
[The White Shoe Staff | 30 August 2000]
Lofty: Air conditioning, Low: Being too cheap to use it…

Lofty and Low Volume V: The Web Edition
[The White Shoe Staff | 23 August 2000]
Lofty: Allyson's Complete Compendium of One-Named People, Low: Delicacies of Horse Flesh…

Lofty and Low Volume IV: The Numbers Edition
[The White Shoe Staff | 16 August 2000]
Lofty: 867-5309, Low: 666…

Lofty and Low Volume III
[The White Shoe Staff | 9 August 2000]
Lofty: Variant spellings of hiccups, Low: Hiccups…

Lofty and Low Volume II
[The White Shoe Staff | 2 August 2000]
Lofty: Bagpipes, Low: Wet bread…

Lofty and Low Volume I
[The White Shoe Staff | 26 July 2000]
Lofty: Book clubs, Low: Oprah's Book Club…

The Irregular Regulars

We used to feature two semi-regular columns under the titles "Bit and Bitter" (slap-stick comedy at its finest) and "In the Dark" (movie reviews that told you what you really wanted to know). Both columns are now defunct, but are archived here for your reading pleasure.

A Farewell to Alms
[Bit and Bitter | 10 December 2002]
It's hard to believe that just four years ago Bit and Bitter arrived on the scene with only a corn-cob pipe, a button nose, and a subscription to Redbook to its name…

In the Dark: Cop and a Half
[Eric D. Snider | 9 September 2002]
Devon is played by a lad named Norman D. Golden II, and I don't wish to sound churlish, but I wish unholy, fiery death upon him…

How I Spent My Summer Vacation
[Bit and Bitter | 7 August 2002]
Due to a recent unfortunate situation with the "arrow through the head" gag, we will no longer be allowing horseback riding…

In the Dark: Mortal Kombat
[Eric D. Snider | 23 July 2002]
Long story short, good guys have to win the match, or else Earth is invaded. But no pressure! Just relax and do your best, guys…

Creating a New World Order for Fun and Profit
[Bit and Bitter | 20 June 2002]
By reading to the end of this article, you have legally surrendered all of your worldly possessions to the cause of Bitterism…

In the Dark: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
[Eric D. Snider | 10 June 2002]
Let us not contemplate the sorts of lustful images that must run through the mind of a hormonal teen-age turtle…

In the Dark: On the Line
[Eric D. Snider | 9 November 2001]
You have probably seen this plot before — maybe as recently as a month ago, when "Serendipity" came out…

Merry X-Games
[Bit and Bitter | 30 October 2001]
Take any normal, non-extreme activity and add fire. For example: sleeping = non-extreme. Sleeping while on fire = extreme sleeping…

In the Dark: Jeepers Creepers
[Eric D. Snider | 12 October 2001]
Why does a inhuman killing machine need a personalized license plate? Does the monster have a sense of kitsch?…

My Day at Rodeo Clown College
[Bit and Bitter | 2 July 2001]
Please fill out the following blanks and hilarity is sure to ensue! (NOTE: hilarity is not guaranteed)…

In the Dark: Swordfish
[Eric D. Snider | 14 June 2001]
Someone wanted to see Halle Berry's breasts, and apparently she was young and needed the money…

In the Dark: The Mummy Returns
[Eric D. Snider | 26 May 2001]
Mr. Rock is a thespian of the highest order, frequently inquiring of his fans to know whether they can smell what he is cooking, figuratively speaking…

In the Dark: Freddy's Revenge
[Eric D. Snider | 27 April 2001]
Why do we keep encouraging people to make movies that are both figuratively and literally covered in excrement?…

S. 24601: The Hamilton-Honaker Judicial Humor Reform Bill
[Bit and Bitter | 16 April 2001]
Ye Maties of the United States Senate, we present the following forunto your consideration…

In the Dark: Pokemon 3 The Movie
[Eric D. Snider | 12 April 2001]
I swear I saw the movie actually stop half-way through and smoke some more marijuana before continuing…

In the Dark: Tomcats
[Eric D. Snider | 5 April 2001]
When Bill Maher is the best actor in your movie, you're in trouble. You'd better have a testicle-eating scene to add some quality…

Binge and Merge
[Bit and Bitter | 22 February 2001]
Satan, CEO of Hell, was offered Microsoft stock in the deal, while Bill Gates will become the Shadowy Netherworld's Chairman of the Board…

In the Dark: Dracula 2000
[Eric D. Snider | 18 January 2001]
As far as I can tell, Dracula is always livin' la vida loca, especially during Mardi Gras, with so many necks and breasts to bite…

In the Dark: The Worst Movies of 2000
[Eric D. Snider | 11 January 2001]
The low point of this movie was forty-five minutes into it, when the critic sitting across the aisle from me took his own life…

In the Dark: Dude, Where's My Car?
[Eric D. Snider | 4 January 2001]
As their Yoda-like friend Nelson lets his dog smoke pot, we catch glimpses of insight into what it is that makes us human…

In the Dark: Dungeons & Dragons
[Eric D. Snider | 21 December 2000]
Alas, fans of the role-playing game will be disappointed to know that the film based on their beloved pastime is a big, stinky pile of poo…

In the Dark: DVD Surprises
[Eric D. Snider | 14 December 2000]
A hidden audio track on the "Pokemon" DVD allows you to hear a special commentary from the film's director, Satan…

This Space for Rent
[Bit and Bitter | 13 December 2000]
It's only a matter of time before the Vikings are playing in the Massengil Dome…

In the Dark: 102 Dalmatians
[Eric D. Snider | 7 December 2000]
The moment Walt Disney died, the Disney company set fire to his grave and danced around it in a pagan ritual of commercialism…

In the Dark: Blair Witch 2: Electric Boogaloo
[Eric D. Snider | 16 November 2000]
Yes! We can definitely do a sequel. Please pass me that bowl of heroin…

In the Dark: Beautiful
[Eric D. Snider | 26 October 2000]
The movie begins in 1986, by which I mean I think I started watching it in 1986 and just barely finished…

We Swear We Are Not Making This Up
[Bit and Bitter | 25 October 2000]
We refer, of course, to the National Convention of Anarchists. Let's give that one a moment to sink in, shall we?…

In the Dark: Cliché: The Movie
[Eric D. Snider | 19 October 2000]
It was the chance of a lifetime in a lifetime full of chance…

In the Dark: Dr. T and the Women
[Eric D. Snider | 12 October 2000]
Did you hear me? If you watch this movie, you will have a crotch-level view of the wonders of childbirth…

In the Dark: Urban Legends
[Eric D. Snider | 5 October 2000]
The only scary moment in the whole thing is when it occurs to you that in the near future, someone will probably make a movie even worse than this one…

Apathetics of the World Unite!
[Bit and Bitter | 4 October 2000]
At the League of Apathetics Internationale, the only damn we give is that you don't…

In the Dark: What Next?
[Eric D. Snider | 28 September 2000]
After doing "Star Wars," Harrison Ford did "Force 10 from Navarone" (it's true!); and after appearing in "E.T.," Drew Barrymore became a stinky crack whore…

In the Dark: Top Gun
[Eric D. Snider | 21 September 2000]
The men fly airplanes. They play volleyball. They go to bars. There is thick sexual tension between Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer…

An-duran-duran-eda Strain
[Bit and Bitter | 19 September 2000]
We have discovered cases where a dominant '80s gene will cause people to crimp their hair and tease out their bangs…

In the Dark: No Comparison
[Eric D. Snider | 14 September 2000]
"'Boys and Girls' was bad, but it was no worse than a flaming paper bag full of dog crap" would be a fair comment to make in a review…

In the Dark: Box Office Gross
[Eric D. Snider | 7 September 2000]
Teens want sex, and lots of it. Unable to acquire it in real life, they seek it out in the cinema…

In the Dark: Space Cowboys
[Eric D. Snider | 31 August 2000]
Imagine Queen Elizabeth wearing a gorilla costume as she gingerly shuffles her gnarled, useless feet across the sidewalk in front of Buckingham Palace…

In the Dark: The Devil and Mr. Hollywood
[Eric D. Snider | 24 August 2000]
Satan turning a little girl into a projectile vomiter on the DVD player is nothing compared to navigating the mall two days before Christmas…

Bit and Bitter: The Musical
[Bit and Bitter | 21 August 2000]
And since anything can be made into a musical, we are pitching these as musical ideas now, so that when they do hit the stage, we will get a cut…

In the Dark: The Replacements
[Eric D. Snider | 17 August 2000]
Falco starts to feel good about himself again (which takes some doing, considering he's Keanu Reeves)…

>Re: Fwd: Forward
[Bit and Bitter | 31 July 2000]
I am >smrt and you can trust me. I am NOT 13 years old. I don't even know >where RFK Junionr High School even is…

Easy Money, Easy Women, Easy Listening
[Bit and Bitter | 24 July 2000]
You know, I really like that new Stevie Wonder song — except for the Stevie Wonder part…

National Bassfishing Association
[Bit and Bitter | 24 July 2000]
Bob Costas pats Bill Walton gently on the head and gives him some orange slices…

Who Wants to Beat Regis Down?
[Bit and Bitter | 24 July 2000]
ABC has decided to make the Regis dolls waterproof, fireproof, bulletproof, and able to sustain severe acid burns without yielding…

M:I-3, The Threequel
[Bit and Bitter | 24 July 2000]
If you thought the other two missions were impossible, this is even more impossible…

The White Shoe Contests

We used to run contests. You would enter them. We would send you prizes. You would throw the prizes away, mainly because that's what made them prizes — we were going to throw them away, but we needed something to give to our winners. But no matter. It has been many moons since our last contest, and if we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that many additional moons will likely pass before we muster the energy to run another contest. In the meantime, please peruse the archived contests, which reveal what this site was like in its long-gone glory days.

More Noteworthy First Paragraphs
[The White Shoe Staff | 18 May 2001]
When he said, "Prove it!" and you laid it out like you were reading a manual I almost cried…

Winners of The White Shoe First Paragraph Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 15 May 2001]
I pressed harder on the accelerator, blearily watching the dial of the speedometer creep up above eighty. We were late for church…

The White Shoe First Paragraph Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 26 March 2001]
You don't have to develop the characters, worry about the plot, or craft a denouement. Just write the finest first paragraph you can…

Winners of The White Shoe Haiku Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 27 November 2000]
The White Shoe Haiku Contest is over. Read the haiku to small children. They will give you prizes we cannot…

The White Shoe Haiku Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 27 October 2000]
Can you count to five? Can you count to seven? Can you count to five again?…

More Winners of The White Shoe Angry Letter Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 20 October 2000]
The cat you sold me is dead. I've left the evidence on your doorstep…

Winners of The White Shoe Angry Letter Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 18 October 2000]
We wish all five winners the best of luck and would like to remind them: There are only four prizes…

A Grand Conclusion to Very Short Story Week
[The White Shoe Staff | 15 September 2000]
You've got to marry me and give the baby a name. If you don't, I'll tell your wife…

A Fourth Helping of Very Short Stories (for the Soul)
[The White Shoe Staff | 14 September 2000]
He stroked her face once before covering it with the pillow…

Still More Very Short Stories
[The White Shoe Staff | 13 September 2000]
He said his name was David Koresh, but that was only to scare the little girls at the park…

More Very Short Stories
[The White Shoe Staff | 12 September 2000]
Another rat is in the trap on our kitchen counter. It tries to get out…

Winners of The White Shoe Very Short Story Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 11 September 2000]
I've already given up the sky for New York City — don't make me give up the sweet corn…

The White Shoe Angry Letter Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 6 September 2000]
Real people like you win major prizes in major contests every day. Ed McMahon wants to bring a giant check to your home, if only you would believe…

The White Shoe Very Short Story Contest
[The White Shoe Staff | 7 August 2000]
Judging will be conducted by unpaid volunteers, who, when filling out the census, may not have claimed English as their native language…