The White Shoe Angry Letter Contest
The White Shoe Staff
[Important Note: Although this page is archived as it originally appeared, this contest is over. Please do not enter this contest. Thank you.]
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In early August, we announced The White Shoe Very Short Story Contest. Little did we know, way back then, what we had wrought. Who could have predicted that our contest would bring down a Concorde in France, trigger the recall of millions of Firestone tires, and fuel raging fires across twelve western states?
To be honest, we are a bit reluctant to announce another contest at this point. The fires burn on, and our in-house meteorologist tells us that hurricane season is upon us. But, when viewed in context, our duty to the contest-hungry public makes public-safety concerns seem trivial. We will move forward. We will laugh in the face of danger. We will swim several laps immediately after eating. We will put our rent money on black and wait for the marble to drop. Here, then, is The White Shoe Angry Letter Contest…
• Write a letter to someone or something that has made your life the miserable, jaded existence that it is.
• The recipient can be alive or dead; real or imaginary; animal, mineral, or vegetable. You do not need to personally know the recipient.
• The letter can be short (we calculate that a legitimate letter would need at least five words) or long (Ted Kaczynski's letter to The New York Times might be a tad too much for our judges).
• In accordance with White Shoe general guidelines, please do not curse. We realize that this contest is all about being angry, which makes the no-cursing rule doubly challenging. We were told you love a challenge.
• As you threaten your intended recipient (trust us, your letter will devolve to threats), we would prefer to see humor and creativity over mindless violence.
• Submit each entry separately to submit [at] whiteshoe [dot] org by 9 October 2000. [On this day the planets will align, bringing us Yom Kippur, Columbus Day, and Canadian Thanksgiving, all in a single day. We are adding to the festivities by placing yet another important event on this momentous day.] Put the words "Angry Letter Contest" in the subject line and include your name somewhere in the body of the message.
The Judging Process
If this contest is anything like the last one, our judges will pay a senior citizen to pick the winner out of a hat.
The Awarding of Prizes
The winner(s) will be published on The White Shoe Irregular and will receive one of the following:
• A recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip cookies so delicious that after eating a single cookie, even the strongest-willed adversary will be under your power.
• A guide to every A-Team episode aired, complete with plot summaries and guest stars.
• Two Associate Member AAA car decals, "to be displayed by members only." [Background check required.]
• Five postcards — the front sides featuring reproductions of famous works of art, the back sides featuring lyrics to songs from the late '80s and early '90s — each mailed to you at your home for five consecutive days.
A Final Note
Every reason you have already thought of to not enter this contest is invalid. Similarly, the excuses you have yet to come up with are invalid. The only thing that is valid is your faith in your ability to write the most superbly written angry letter we have ever seen. Do not fool yourself into thinking this contest is closed to an elite group of angry-letter writers. Real people like you win major prizes in major contests every day. Ed McMahon wants to bring a giant check to your home, if only you would believe. Why can't you just believe for once? Enter this contest.