The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.

Anticipated Frivolous Lawsuits of the Next Decade

Ryan Hamilton

Lewis Werner v. Registered Voters in California's Third Congressional District. Suing for $4.7 million in Compensatory Damages, Lost Income, and Mental Pain and Anguish.

Mr. Werner, 55, the losing congressional candidate in California's Third District, brought suit against all 38,472 registered voters in in the district who voted against him in the November general election. Mr. Werner holds a Ph.D. in Political Science from Yale University, has held numerous elected and appointed positions in city and state government, and identifies overwhelmingly with the major concerns of Third District constituents. His contention is that he is better qualified, better educated, and better mannered than Evan Cooper, the man elected to Congress by an eight point margin over Mr. Werner. The plaintiff accuses those voting against him of gross negligence and irresponsible behavior.

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Sean Davis v. Allstate Insurance Company, Consumer Automotive Division. Suing for $1.2 million in Punitive Damages.

Mr. Davis, a 17-year-old student at Fairmont High School, East Mason, Kansas, is suing Allstate for age, sex, marriage-status, income, and geographical-location discrimination. Using what Allstate insists are standard actuarial practices, Mr. Davis was quoted the normal insurance rate for a 17 year-old, unmarried, non-homeowning male, without the "Good Student" bonus, living in his zip code. Mr. Davis contends in a deposition that he is "a way better driver than my Mom. She freaks out and practically wrecks every time she's behind the wheel." He feels he should therefore not have to pay any more in auto insurance than his mother, a 46-year-old, married, homeowning female.

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Wendy Addison v. Paramount Motion Picture Studios. Suing for $340,000 in Punitive Damages and Mental Pain and Anguish.

Ms. Addison, 36, brought suit against Paramount after spotting herself in her Toyota 4-Runner in the background of a scene from Paramount's summer blockbuster The Pauper's Coronet, filmed in and around Los Angeles, California. The scene took place on the roof of a one-story convenience store, and Ms. Addison was clearly visible for approximately three seconds as her car passed on the street below. Her vehicle then turned left, away from the convenience store, and its roof was visible for another eight seconds. Because she had signed no waiver allowing her image or the image of her car to be used, she claims her rights to privacy were violated.

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Dennis LeRose v. American Bar Association. Suing for $2.1 million in Punitive Damages and Lost Wages.

Having recently completed his law degree at the University of Claremont in Claremont, North Dakota, Mr. LeRose, 26, was in the process of seeking employment as an attorney when he failed the bar exam. He claims that the ABA discriminated against him by focusing on questions other than those he had prepared for. He cites a 3.2 GPA in law school, his attendance at an ABA-approved bar exam preparation course, and a nearly passing score as ample evidence that he should have passed.

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Heather Gifford v. Joseph and Brenda Gifford. Suing for $2.8 million in Punitive Damages, Lost Income, and Mental Pain and Anguish.

Insisting that her parents, Joseph and Brenda, willfully and recklessly passed their "inferior genetics" on to her, their daughter, Ms. Gifford, 16, is seeking compensation for the humiliation of not being asked to the Junior Prom and the pain of never having dated even a single member of any of the men's varsity sports teams at her high school. She is also seeking the lost income she would have earned as a child and teen model if she had been more beautiful.

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Brodie Samdon v. General Motors, Inc. Suing for $7 million in Punitive Damages and Lost Income.

When Mr. Samdon, 32, read in a front-page story in the Detroit Star Evening News that General Motors was seeking a new CEO, he immediately put in his resume. He claims that the automotive giant's failure to call him to schedule an interview is a clear indication of discrimination based on his lack of business experience and an education beyond a high school diploma. His suit also shows that GM has never hired a Chief Executive Officer under the age of 53. "This is clear evidence of age discrimination," said Mr. Samdon from his residence in the basement of his parent's home.

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Gordon Fugel v. Cindi Shadd. Suing for $2,500 in Punitive Damages and one Date.

Mr. Fugel, 19, holds that Ms. Shadd flatly refused to accompany him on a dinner date, thereby denying him his inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness. Mr. Fugel is prepared to present witnesses who can testify that he is, in fact, a "nice guy," and "not at all bad looking," as well as expert testimony confirming the fact that a single date with Mr. Fugel would, in all likelihood, not kill the defendant. In addition to punitive damages, the plaintiff is seeking a single night of dinner, a movie, and pleasant conversation — no pressure — and if it leads to anything else, well, they can cross that bridge when they come to it.