The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.

Three Short Stories, in No Particular Order

Greg Taylor

II. Cat Fight

"Have you ever had girls fight over you?"

"Yeah, just the other day there was a rumble, about twenty or thirty girls all in a ring fighting and throwing each other around. When there were only like, five girls left in the ring they put them in a steel cage and let them fight some more."

"Are you sure they were fighting over you?"

"Well, one of the girls who got tossed out of the ring asked me for my phone number."

I. Liver Let Die

Once there was a man with two livers. When people found out, in conversation or through rumor, they inevitably asked if they could have the extra liver. Even people who didn't need an extra liver asked, perhaps wanting it for a center piece or paper weight or biodegradable football. That way, if it got stuck on the roof you wouldn't have to worry about it harming the environment.

But this man wasn't about to give up his extra liver — he could drink twice as much as any other man, and made his living betting people in Ireland that he could drink them under the table. And he did.

III. Two Men on a Plane

"So where are you headed?"

"Back home. I just spent a week at Walden."

"What's Walden?"

"It's a nature reserve set aside in honor of Henry David Thoreau, the greatest of the transcendentalists. He spent a great deal of time there while writing his book Walden."

"Never heard of any trance and dentalists. What are they, dental hypnotists or something?"

"Transcendentalism is the search for truth by going back to the basics, communing with nature, in order to get in touch with the Oversoul, the unifying source of knowledge, power, and wisdom in the Universe."

"Sounds like religion."

"Well, it kind of is."

"So what did you do there?"

"I did as the great Thoreau did — I communed with nature in order to find the Oversoul."

"Did you find it?"

"Well, I don't know if I found the Oversoul, but I did tap into a great well of enlightenment."

"What's enlightenment?"

"It's to be freed from ignorance or to suddenly realize and utilize a great source of knowledge…it's…it's…it's like getting a really good buzz except without the beer."

"Sweet, free buzzes."

"Yes, free buzzes."