S. 24601: The Hamilton-Honaker Judicial Humor Reform Bill
Bit and Bitter
[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "teletubbits" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]
Ladies and Gentlemen of the United States Senate:
Whereas the Criminal Justice system of the American Judiciary is in serious need of reform, the Honorable Ryan Hamilton (Dem.–R.I.) and the Really Honorable Ryan Honaker (Com.–S.D.) do hereby present this bill to the Senate to be made into law. Inasmuch as the Honorable Senator Hamilton and Swarthy Senator Honaker have no idea how bills being introduced onto the floor of the Senate shall be written and formatted, the language thereunto of this bill shall be vaguely legalistic at first perusal, but when studied more closely shall turn out to be a mix of King James and Pirate English. Ye Maties of the United States Senate, we present the following forunto your consideration:
The American Judicial System is almost completely devoid of humor. This bill seeks to return Justice to its comic roots, back to the days when laws were enforced by the likes of the Keystone Cops and Ponch and John. The following articles are designed around the principle established by the Founding Fathers of Semper Humorous: Humor Above All Else.
ARTICLE I.A.1
Judges have gotten far too snooty. They shall hereby be forced to wear wigs as in olden times. These wigs shall have to be well powdered and often.
ARTICLE I.A.2
The wooden disk commonly used to slam a gavel against shall be replaced with an whoopee cushion. It shall be the duty of the Judge to act surprised and embarrassed each and every time that he strikes said whoopee cushion, or be found in contempt. The bailiff shall re-inflate said whoopee cushion between gavel poundings.
ARTICLE I.A.3
Judges shall be strongly encouraged to wear boxer shorts with lewd witticisms and socks attached to garters under their robes when sitting on the bench.
ARTICLE I.B.1
Because monkeys are inherently funny, all primates living within the appropriate judicial boundaries shall be put in the lottery to be chosen for jury duty. As citizens registered to vote, it really is their duty.
ARTICLE I.B.2
As a general rule, all participants in the legal system — lawyers, judges, jurors, defendants, and those other guys — shall be strongly encouraged to use words which are always funny, in any context. Such words include: girth, suffrage, pants, sponge, hemorrhage, shirk, and Uruguay.
ARTICLE II.A.1
Defendants shall be able to plead "humor" as a defense. If they can prove that they committed a crime with the intention of being funny, they shall be released. Similarly, if defendants makes it onto the "America's Dumbest Criminals" television show, they shall be freed to entertain the viewing public again.
ARTICLE II.B.1
Inasmuch as many people have found hours of entertainment by adding the words "in bed" to the end of fortune cookie fortunes, those words shall hereby be added to the end of each phrase of the so-called "Miranda Rights," as follows: "You have the right to remain silent, in bed. Anything you say can and will be used against you, in bed. You have the right to an attorney, in bed. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you by the state, in bed…"