Binge and Merge
Bit and Bitter
[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "hey bitta-bitta swing bitta" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]
In Loving Memory of Our Favorite Lawyer-Lumberjack, Janet Reno: Thank you for the years of jokes and inspiration. Good luck in the XFL.
The last several years have seen numerous international corporations merge to try to cut costs and increase profits. Some of these mergers have been successful (like Daimler-Chrysler), others have not (like Daimler-Chrysler-Benz), and some are too young to tell (like Daimler-Chrysler-Benz-Disney-AOL-Time-Warner-Big-Mouth-Billy-Bass-Iraq). One thing is certain: the wave of corporate mergers will continue well into the next century, when it is projected that all companies will form into one great juggernaut headed by the love child of Alan Greenspan and Britney Spears — a short economic genius with huge breasts and a penchant for belly shirts — that will own everything and everyone.
And we at Bit and Bitter say, "Bring it on!" More mega-conglomerate super-corporations means more superlative hyphenations. We saw this trend coming a long way off and invested heavily in the hyphen (HYPN on the NYSE), and so stand to make a lot of money. We would therefore like to suggest the following mergers as being the next logical step toward world hegemony.
The makers of the Chia Pet, Chia Head, Chia Frog, Chia Llama, and Bob Dole have joined forces with car manufacturer Kia. The two companies hope to save money by combining technology, marketing, and distribution channels. Kia-Chia will maintain the "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!" theme song and K-mart retail outlets. Kia will also be able to improve their shoddy safety record by incorporating "the pottery that grows" technology into their new cars.
Disney, tired of going to so much trouble to put subliminally pornographic images in their animated movies, has entered negotiations with Playboy to share resources on animation, editing, writing, and Christina Aguilera. The move is projected to put an end to comic book storeowners watching Disney animated movies frame by frame to look for lewd imagery. Creepy, middle-aged, single Little Mermaid fans the world over expressed excitement at the news.
To combine efforts and reach a larger market share, Microsoft, makers of the Windows operating system, and Hell, makers of endless torment and woe, announced an across-the-board merger. Satan, CEO of Hell, was offered Microsoft stock in the deal, while Bill Gates will become the Shadowy Netherworld's Chairman of the Board. Said Satan, "You think that you have reached the top in your given profession, but then you see that someone has taken evil to a whole new level." In a press conference held from a lake of fire and brimstone, Mephistopheles, Hell's Chief of Operations said that they had been considering the merger ever since market research showed Bill Gates overtaking Satan as the most frequently cursed individual in existence.