The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.

Only in America: Jim Trafficant's Recent One-Minute Speeches

Representative James A. Traficant, Jr.

ABOLISH THE IRS

Mr. Speaker, a government investigation said that the IRS gave, quote-unquote, wrong information fifty percent of the time. In addition, they say one-third of all calls to the IRS go unanswered.

Unbelievable. According to my math, the IRS is upside down about eighty percent of the time. If that is not enough to give your 1040 a hernia, the IRS says, give us more money and we will solve our problems. Beam me up. The IRS does not need more money. Congress has got to abolish the IRS.

A recent national poll says seventy percent of American taxpayers favor the Tauzin-Traficant fifteen percent national sales tax. No more forms, no more tax on capital gains, savings, investment, education, inheritance. Think about it. And the IRS is abolished.

I yield back those stumbling, fumbling, bumbling nincompoops at the IRS.

·  ·  ·

HANDS OFF THE GUN BRA

Madam Speaker, it started with the training bra and then it came to the push-up bra, the support bra, the Wonder bra, the super bra. There is even a smart bra. Now, if that is not enough to prop up your curiosity, there is now a new bra. It is called the holster bra, the gun bra. That is right, a brassiere to conceal a hidden handgun.

Unbelievable. What is next? A maxi-girdle to conceal a stinger missile? Beam me up.

I advise all men in America against taking women to drive-in movies who may end up getting shot in a passionate embrace. I yield back all those plain old Maidenform brassieres and chainlink pantyhose.

·  ·  ·

RECORD ADDICTION PROBLEM OF THE WORLD IN THE UNITED STATES

Mr. Speaker, another underground tunnel was found on the Mexican border with a half of a ton of cocaine in it. Dug by hand, the tunnel connected a home to a sewer system, ultimately to Mexico.

Now if that is not enough to dust an angel. This is the sixth tunnel found since 1995. Think about it, kids are strung out on heroine and cocaine all across America, while drug pushers are running relay races with backpacks full of narcotics under and across our borders and Congress does nothing, because it is sensitive politically.

Beam me up. Beam me up here. Shame, Congress. American children are strung out, and I yield back a record addiction problem of the world in the United States of America.

·  ·  ·

PROCTOLOGIST SHOULD BE ADVISING JUDGES AT FRENCH BEAUTY CONTEST

Mr. Speaker, is she or is she not? Rumors persist that Miss France is not a big-bone diva but actually a man. Reports say that pageant officials said they are anxiously awaiting the bathing suit contest.

Unbelievable. Maybe J. Edgar Hoover will crown the next Miss France, Mr. Speaker.

Hey, what is next? Will they have certification standards performed by licensed gynecologists for these pageants? Beam me up. This is not brain surgery. Even the University of Dayton School of Political Science can determine human genitalia.

I yield back the fact that a proctologist should be advising these judges at this French beauty contest.

·  ·  ·

TIME TO PASS A FLAT TAX

From the womb to the tomb, Madam Speaker, the Internal Rectal Service is one big enema. Think about it: they tax our income, they tax our savings, they tax our sex, they tax our property sales profits, they even tax our income when we die.

Is it any wonder America is taxed off? We happen to be suffering from a disease called Taxes Mortis Americanus.

Beam me up. It is time to pass a flat, simple fifteen percent sales tax, and fire these nincompoops at the IRS.

Think about it.

I yield back the socialist, communist income tax scheme of these United States.

·  ·  ·

CONGRESS SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT NARCOTICS

Mr. Speaker, every major city in America is experiencing booming heroin sales. Kids with eyes watering and noses running are running the streets and dangerous. Now, if that is not enough to scare the welcome wagon, our borders are wide open. Wide open big time.

While Congress is building halfway houses, narcoterrorists are coming across the border and treating it like a speed bump. Beam me up.

I yield back the fact that we are wasting billions and billions of dollars on a failed narcotics policy that could provide for a prescription drug program for every senior in America. Wise up Congress and let us really do something about narcotics.

·  ·  ·

THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

Broadway has announced a new play called "The Vagina Monologues." I quote, the promo states that "Vagina Monologues uses humor and drama to explore such things as sexual fantasies, orgasms, pelvic examinations and rape." Now if that is not enough to entice your condominium, this vaginal virtuoso is being billed as theater at its finest.

Unbelievable. What is next? Rectal Diaries? Men are dropping like flies in America from prostate cancer and Broadway is promoting vaginal titillation. Beam me up.

I advise all New York men to sleep on their stomachs, and I yield back all the STDs on the East Coast.

·  ·  ·

ONLY IN AMERICA, ONLY IN AMERICA

Mr. Speaker, today Congress will debate two bills. The first bill is partial birth abortions. The second bill is wildlife and sport fish restoration.

Unbelievable. Kill the babies but save the trout and the tit mouse. Beam me up. In fact, beam me up, Scotty.

See, I believe that Congress and America can and should save both the babies and the wildlife. Think about it.

I yield back an old street saying: Only in America, Mr. Speaker.

[Taken from the several issues of the Congressional Record printed
during the 106th and 107th Congresses.]