The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.

National Bassfishing Association

Bit and Bitter

[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "bass me the bithetball, dawg" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]

Did you know that John Tesh wrote the NBA theme song? It's true. That five-note anthem that they play before and after each commercial was written by former Entertainment Tonight host John Tesh. You know the song we're talking about. It's the one that goes: Da da da da da du du da da da da da dah du dudu da dada DADA! Well, that was John's. It's almost unfair, isn't it? Some of us muddle through life with hardly any talent at all (like the L.A. Clippers), and here John Tesh corners the market on charm, good looks, AND musical abilities. And the long, shimmering tresses of a golden retriever. We bet you didn't know that he was somehow connected to something as manly as professional sports, did you? Almost makes you stop wishing he were dead. Rumor is that the song was inspired by his doorbell. It is also possible that it was just his phone number played rhythmically on a touch-tone phone.

What does this have to do with anything, you ask? Well, we always like to start off our Annual NBA Extravaganza article with a little NBA trivia. About John Tesh. The NBA finals are upon us. We make this announcement because, according to the Nielson ratings, most of you were too busy watching Regis, Bride of Satan, to notice.

The finals are fun to watch, but the best part is Bob Costas. He is the smartest man alive. If he spent his time differently, he could easily write the Great American Novel, find out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, or figure out exactly how many gallons of lead-based paint Bill Walton must have eaten as a child. Instead he sits at professional basketball games eloquently delineating the intricacies of "make ball go through hoop" (to borrow a phrase from Shaq), and shamelessly flirting with Marv Albert.

Bob Costas is able to pull the most random statistics out of thin air. "And Kobe Bryant pulls up for the easy outside jumper, oh, but it rolls out. You know, that is the fourth fifteen-footer that Kobe has missed in the closing three minutes of a first quarter where his team has been down by six or more points and coming off a road-game winning streak of five or fewer games. When it has been raining outside. In the Philippines."

The astute viewer of the recent playoff games will notice that they have started showing movie-trailer-like commercials for the NBA playoffs DURING the NBA playoffs. Ahem. What potential audience is this capturing? We're already watching. Do they think that more commercials and less game is going to make it MORE likely that we will continue watching? This must be for people with really short attention spans: "Wow, those playoffs look really good. I wonder when they are on? Oh, wait! That's what we're watching! It's a good thing that they are showing those commercials, huh Bob?" "Of course it is, Bill." At which point Bob Costas pats Bill Walton gently on the head and gives him some orange slices.

But what we really want is for the finals to be over so they will quit drawing the limelight away from the WNBA season. We are happy to announce that after their last botched ad campaign of "We got next!" Bit and Bitter has been chosen to come up with the new WNBA slogan. These are our ideas so far:

• Punish your children!
• Less tattoos, more body hair.
• Brought to you by BIC.
• Less exciting that high school ball, uh, never mind.
• Driving even more television viewers into the demonic grasp of Regis.
• Where the W stands for Wookie.
• It's not just for XXY any more.
• Driving straight men over the edge since 1998.
• It's not your father's WNBA. Well, not conclusively until we get the test results.