A Farewell to Alms
Bit and Bitter
[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "the end of the world as we know bit" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]
Bit and Bitter as you know it has come to an end. "You mean it will no longer contain so many Janet Reno references?" Well, we can't promise that. "You mean now people are actually going to read it?" Not exactly. "You mean now it's going to be funny?" All right. Now you're just being mean.
No, this will probably be the last Bit and Bitter column for a while. Ryan Honaker has accepted a job in a lab at Stanford University. We're very proud. Who knows, they may even be able to cure it. So unless we both get into Stanford for graduate school (laugh heartily; pause; shake head slowly as wiping tears from eyes), chances are this is the last Bit and Bitter column you will read. Unless we get together five years from now for "It's A Very Snoopy Christmas Special: Santa's Neutered Little Reindeer."
It's hard to believe that just four years ago Bit and Bitter arrived on the scene with only a corn-cob pipe, a button nose, and a subscription to Redbook to its name. In that time we have seen the world changed by the advent of Bit and Bitter: the Greatest Humor Column of Our Time. Changed for the better. And with the tint adjusted ever so slightly. And degaussed.
Some political wonks have recently given Bit and Bitter credit for the booming economy, the rise of peace in the Middle East, soaring literacy, dwindling crime, cats and dogs living together, and the chewy, chocolaty center of a Tootsie pop. Who are we to argue? We want to thank all our loyal readers, as well as all those who thought it was easier to just delete the columns when they came, rather than going to all the trouble of unsubscribing. Thank you. You were our inspiration.
We really are stopping so that Ryan can go to Stanford, that's for reals. But we'd like to keep the mystique of Bit and Bitter alive by spreading some rumors about other, alternate reasons we had to stop writing. Please select your favorite and tell your friends around the ol' communal watering hole.
• Ryan was inducted into a cult of his own creation, and of which he is the only member. He brainwashed himself into believing that he is the reincarnation of Judy Garland. He then lost faith in himself and is now in hiding from his own cult, fearing for his safety.
• There's that whole Nevada State Gaming License/Cornish Game Fighting Hen thing.
• Regis, Bride of Satan, finally caught wind of our constantly referring to him as Regis, Bride of Satan, and sent his goons to repeatedly frisk us until we finally felt uncomfortable and went away.
• Ryan has decided to dedicate his life to ensuring that captive pandas breed successfully.
• Canada and associated Mounties.
• Ryan decided that the column was distracting him from getting his runway modeling career off the ground. (Note: if that was only sort-of funny to you, it's because you've never seen Ryan. Seriously. That may be the funniest thing we've ever written.)
• Ryan wanted to take some time off to work on his "8 is Enough" reunion screenplay.
• We're turning Japanese, we think we're turning Japanese, we really think so.
Please check the Bit and Bitter website from time to time for archived columns and occasional new stuff. And be sure to visit Hallmark stores this Arbor Day to pick up your very own Bit and Bitter wicker bust of John Denver.
Thanks for reading!