The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.

We Swear We Are Not Making This Up

Bit and Bitter

[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "limp bitkit" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]

The Democrats were not the only political faction to hold a convention this summer in San Diego. There was another group that got together in August to organize themselves and to establish a cohesive agenda. Seeking to provide the American political scene with an alternative voice, this small group of outspoken activists gathered to protest the way things are currently run. We refer, of course, to the National Convention of Anarchists. Let's give that one a moment to sink in, shall we? We swear we are not making this up.

That's right, the Anarchists are organizing. The very people who believe in the abolishment of established order are now aping one of the longest held traditions of the national parties. One of the topics discussed was whether avowed anarchists should vote. Some said that voting would betray the very spirit of anarchism, while others insisted that voting could be a tool of anarchy, with each person voting for the candidate they thought would do the most to further the nation's anarchist platform. We swear we are not making this up. And why shouldn't anarchists get their acts together? We at Bit and Bitter applaud their efforts, because we adhere to the time-honored adage: when you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Because the press was not allowed inside the convention, we can only speculate as to what actually went on inside. And speculate we shall. First, we figure that everyone probably had to put on one of those "Hello, my name is" stickers, so that people wouldn't be afraid of talking to each other. Next there were probably a series of workshops with titles like "The Power of Piercing"; "Scheduling, Time-Management, and the Franklin Planner"; and "Never a Wrong Time for a Molotov Cocktail." Then a light lunch of baked clams and kosher veal (for the growing Hassidic anarchy contingent). Finally, there must have been a round table discussion on "How to Stem the Power of Anarchy's Greatest Threat: Martha Stewart." On their way out of the convention hall, conventioneers were likely greeted by the booths of corporate sponsors, where participating anarchists could pick up free T-shirts, pencils, gasoline siphons, and malt liquor.

There really was an anarchist convention. If you don't believe us, you can look it up. But that's nothing compared to this: Up until a few years ago, a mental hospital near us ran an annual haunted house. Participants could pay to walk through several scary rooms where residents of the hospital would be dressed up in costumes and would act out gruesome scenes or jump out from behind corners. We swear we are not making this up. But we wish we were.

How exactly this got past any board of approval we simply don't know. Thankfully, the State Department of Health shut the operation down a couple of years ago, saying that a spook alley run by real lunatics was just not good medicine. Duh. Apparently, someone thought that taking a group of people deemed too sick to function in normal society and giving them rubber masks and fake knives for three weeks out of the year was therapeutic. How exactly is giving someone a bladeless chainsaw and letting him chase people around going to help that person integrate back into normal life? After training like that, the only thing someone would be qualified to do is work at the DMV. And you know we're not making that up.