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Sheryl Crow Addresses the American Cancer Society

Holly Smith

War is based on greed, and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow. And I think war is never the answer to solving our problems. I think the best way to solving problems is to not have enemies.
— Sheryl Crow, backstage at the American Music Awards, Jan. 14, 2003.

Pop superstar Sheryl Crow, delivering a keynote address to oncologists at the American Cancer Society last week, intrigued her audience by positing that the best way to deal with cancer was "to not let your proto-oncogenes spontaneously mutate in the first place."

Citing years of clinical research supporting her theory that cancer is never, in fact, the answer, Crow went on to suggest that the karmic retributions of the disease are severe.

"Sure, the fatigue, nausea, and looming specter of death are awful," said the Grammy Award-winning songstress, "but they're small burdens compared to the price paid by one's chi."

When pressed by fellow panelists to elaborate on her strategies for combating the illness, Crow extolled the value of non-GMO soy latte and "a really, really aggressive regimen of feng shui and targeted Pilates."

The musician continued, "The healing power of the arts should never be underestimated when it comes to battling cancer. I'd personally like to invite you physicians to heal thyselves by joining me in a therapeutic poetry exercise."

Pausing to find a pen, Crow then asked the assembled doctors, "Okay, now who has a rhyme for 'Free Mumia'?"