The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.


Holly Smith

You've seen the headlines: "Medical community rejects wholesale body scanning"; "AMA decries fear-mongering MRI mills"; "J-Lo gets freaky wit' Ben." Well, we here at Scan-U-Up — the region's only full-service open-MRI/hypochondria spa — take these claims seriously.

Which is why we've developed a comprehensive checklist to help you, the careful consumer, decide whether or not an elective full-body scan makes sense. If you see yourself on the list below, a diagnostic scan may be appropriate. And if you don't, well, rest easy. You're immortal.

There's an old adage: "You can't spell 'If only I'd discovered that suspicious mass sooner' without D-E-A-T-H." At Scan-U-Up, they're words to live by.

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Cough — Ever had one? Are you clearing your throat right now? Maybe that quintuple Throbbing Arabica was too hot. Maybe there's another cat hair lodged in your gullet. Maybe it's cancer.

Annoying habits — Do you scrapbook? Host Longaberger basket parties? Sport a "Dean for President" bumper sticker on your Dodge Caravan? Perhaps you're insufferable. Perhaps you have a brain tumor.

Nonspecific pain — Does it hurt when I do this? How about this? Or that? Hmm … it's probably nothing. But you may want to have it checked out.

Cooties — Who (and what) was that hottie at last call? And what were you doing at an Applebee's in Scranton, anyway? Relax. Ointment should help. Unless it's cancer.

An inability to spell — Is it "I before E, except after P," or "Seashell City" three times fast? Who cares? There's really just one grammar rule worth knowing: "The only fun cancer is the zodiac kind."

Renal Cell Carcinoma — Don't worry. It's not cancer.