How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Bit and Bitter
[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "I've got the bit, you've got the looks. Let's make lots of money" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]
Are you a 98-pound weakling? Are you embarrassed by your scrawny physique? Do big burly guys steal your girl away? Does the phrase "your girl" sound strange and unfamiliar to you? Do bullies push you down and kick sand in your face when you are at the beach? Do you ever wish that you could tell a funny joke after you get the sand out of your mouth? Well, we can help with the funny joke part.
Nougat Enterprises is proud to announce the Junior Bit and Bitter Funny Cowboy Summer Camp and Hibachi Grill. You may find yourself chuckling at our pleasingly incongruous use of the words "Hibachi Grill." What does a hibachi grill have to do with a summer camp? Why can't I stop laughing about it? These secrets any many more will be revealed to you over six glorious weeks at Lake Somethingindiansounding, Wisconsin.
Why go to another summer camp to work off that baby fat, learn about computers, or repress your alternative lifestyle tendencies? Come to ours instead and use your lard, nerdiness, and, uh, you know, shamefulness, to make fun of yourself. Remember that self-deprecation can only make you more attractive to women (or men).
At our camp you can chose from the following classes:
• Brainstorming: There really are bad ideas
• Non-sequiters and the rise of Neoclassicalism
• Playing off Simpsons quotes as if they were your own
• The Humor of Sideburns
• Pirate Eye Patches: The New Black
• Artful placement of "hibachi grill" in everyday situations
• Pratt Falls, Spit Takes, and Anvils
• Puns and the Appropriate Use of a Firearm
We also have fun camp activities like swimming, boating, and burning plastic. Due to a recent unfortunate situation with the "arrow through the head" gag, we will no longer be allowing horseback riding. There is even a rival camp of sexy nurses across the lake.
Although we strongly discourage romantic trysts in canoes in the middle of the lake, they are by no means against the rules. (Note: any implied promises of nurses or their relative sexiness should not be taken as a guarantee of the existence of said nurses or the possibility of trysts, romantic or otherwise.)
We'd like to dispel the rumor that the ghost of Carrot Top haunts the camp. While it is true that he was ritualistically beheaded last summer — uh, OK, so he does haunt the camp. But at least he's dead, right?
So come to the Junior Bit and Bitter Funny Cowboy Summer Camp, where if you're not funny you could be; if you're already funny you're wrong; if you're under four feet tall you won't get on the Tilt-a-Whirl; if you like sexy nurses you're in good company; if you look like Gary Coleman you're going to hear about it; if you have unsightly back hair you're still welcome; if you're a vegetarian you'll bruise easily and often; if you've got a scab don't pick it; if you're balding we're sorry; if you're itchy it might not be the poison ivy; and if you like slogans my bologna has a first name.