In Brief, Volume IV
Tysons Corner, VA
Futura Industries, maker of Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, reported record end-of-quarter earnings this week. In an era where once-mighty corporate behemoths are plunging into oblivion, Futura's announcement comes as welcome news to its shareholders and employees alike.
"I took years of crap from those dot-com punks," says Jim Nolte, Director of Product Development at Futura. "'There's no market for Chapter 11,' they'd tell me. 'We're spitting out gold over here,' they'd say. Ha, suckers!"
The good news doesn't end there for Futura. Analysts predict that the company will finish the year especially strong after its latest innovation — spousal immunity — hits the shelves in time for Christmas.
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The Make-A-Wish Foundation, devoted to fulfilling the desires of gravely ill children, has been slapped with a million dollar lawsuit by local parent Rhonda Colby, after it determined that her son's lactose intolerance doesn't rise to the level of serious illness.
"We're not just talking lactose intolerance here," says the disgruntled mother of ten year-old Travis. "We're talking severe lactose intolerance. Bloating, gas, you name it. If that's not enough for a free trip to Six Flags, I don't know what is."
In a written statement, the philanthropic organization reiterated its decision not to grant the boy's wish, saying his condition isn't sufficiently grievous.
"I'll tell you what's grievous," says Rhonda. "The line outside the D.Q. men's room after Travis gets hold of a caramel sundae. Now that's grievous."
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Phil Donahue enraged his viewer last week when the MSNBC talk show host described himself as the "world's proudest liberal."
"Proud, I can see," said Bill Finkelstein, clutching a mug of shade-grown coffee. "But proudest? I think not." Citing his own commitment to womyn and disenfranchised jihadists, as well his decades-long support for hemp's rights, the Greenwich Village resident added forcefully, "Gosh!"
Pride notwithstanding, Finkelstein quickly pointed out that Donahue is still a brother in the struggle. "Phil has been, and always will be, an indispensable mouthpiece for the movement. Without his support, our upcoming 'Hands Across Kandahar' rally would be impossible to stage."
The event, expected to generate massive T-shirt sales, fleeting yet meaningful copulations, and numerous Pete Seeger sightings, is scheduled for later this year.