The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.

Who Wants to Beat Regis Down?

Bit and Bitter

[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "bitte schon" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]

Regis: What is the largest object in the solar system?
A) the moon
B) the earth
C) the sun
D) my ego

Idiot Contestant: Well, I know that it isn't the earth. And I know that my parents were married under a full moon, and my dad's grandparents were not able to attend and my dad really wanted his grandparents to attend the wedding. My dad really loved his grandparents because he used to spend summers with them when he was a boy. They had a farm, and dad would help milk the cows. So, my parents were married by the justice of the peace under a full moon, and then my dad lost his job. So the answer has to be the sun. "C."

Regis: So that's your final answer?

Idiot Contestant: Yes, Regis.

Regis: You're sure?

Idiot Contestant: Yes, I'm absolutely positive.

Regis: You're absolutely positive? "B" is looking mighty good to me. If I were you, I think that I might go with "B."

Idiot Contestant: No, Regis, I think that I'll stick with "C."

Regis: This is going to be your last chance to change your answer.

Idiot Contestant: Regis, don't make me come over there.

Regis: Very well. Final answer. [dramatic music; cue the horns; cue the laser show; three minute pause for effect; looks down at the answer, doubtful; finally looks up] That is correct!

Idiot Contestant: [breaks down in tears]

Regis: That's one question down. Now let's play for $200.

Is society coming to an end? Should it? Or has everyone else just developed much more patience than we have? Does anyone else remember reading about this in Leviticus? It would not be worth a million dollars to sit across from Regis for that long. Who are the people that are causing this show to break ratings records? Stop it! But enough with the abstract criticism, let's nit-pick. For those of you who don't get it, this show is seriously flawed. Allow us to delineate:

1. Regis. I think we've already covered this one.

2. The laser-light show complete with Casio keyboard sound effects after EVERY SINGLE QUESTION might start causing seizures. Could we possibly get a little more dramatic? "After this question we will have a live organ transplant. Is that your final answer?"

3. Questions are divided neatly into two categories: developmentally-challenged-Bavarian-bush-monkey easy and huh? Questions in the latter category include things so ridiculously obscure that no one could possibly ever know the answers. Ever. Example: According to a 1983 Cat Fancy magazine survey of eleven-year-old paraplegic Siberian girls, what is the best My Little Pony?

4. Regis.

But it gets worse. Our sources tell us that ABC is developing a home-game version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It comes complete with 1000 watt home audio system, over seventy-five lasers, and a support crew of three grips, four gaffers and a best boy. Also included will be a blindingly annoying electronic pull-string Regis doll. After some intensive market research, ABC has decided to make the Regis dolls waterproof, fireproof, bulletproof, and able to sustain severe acid burns without yielding and accepting a player's answer as final. Early prototypes had a design flaw that allowed them only to be deactivated by Kathy Lee Gifford. But then, aren't we all.