Creating a New World Order for Fun and Profit
Bit and Bitter
[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "sumbit" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]
Whilst whiling away the hours in our not-getting-paid-to-write-Bit-and-Bitter day jobs, we can't help but think how much better the world would be if those of us who were talented and entertaining (and devilishly handsome) were supported by the backbreaking labor of those who were weak and boring. In fact, not even so much "those of us" as just "us." It is in this spirit of utter laziness that we created our very own socioeconomic theory. Move over, Capitalism. Stand back, Socialism. Go to the Gap and buy a sweater, Anarchism. Stand up and shout for the thing everyone will be chanting during the impending revolution: Viva der Bitterism!
That's right, Bitterism. The socioeconomic dogma of the future! Bitterism represents the culmination of 40,000 years of human social evolution. You thought we topped out at The Jeffersons, but you were wrong. Bitterism is the Grand Unification Theory of all philosophy, taking the best parts of each and mashing them together into a hearty stew. Everything except democracy, which, let's face it, is pretty ridiculous. We take the totalitarian rule of Fascism, add the extraneous syllables from social-libertarianism, throw in the fashion sense of Maoist China, take a dash of malaise from Nihilism, and combine it with the indoor plumbing technology of Feudalism.
The main tenets of Bitterisms are as follows:
• The authors of any and all Bit and Bitter humor columns shall be worshipped as gods
• The proletariat shall consist entirely of those without hobbies, leaving the rest of us free to start bands (note: rock the free world!)
• Stupid people shall fight with sharpened sticks for the entertainment of all
• The State shall provide high quality taffy to all citizens, as much as we can eat
• The state religion shall be Rastafarianism, a doubly potent Opiate of the Masses
• People shall throw ducks at balloons, and nothing shall be as it seems
• The economy shall be based entirely around Neapolitan ice cream. Everyone will be somehow involved in the production, transportation, refrigeration, scooping and consumption of Neapolitan ice cream. All non-Neapolitan economic activities shall hereby cease
Because we know that there will be taffy-haters out there who will fight the Bitterist revolution (coming soon to a shopping mall near you), we've planned ahead. We've trained an elite force of protest protesters known as the Lil' Pink, White and Brown Shirts. They are just like regular protesters, except they bathe and eat meat. And it is all that extra protein that will give them the edge, enabling them to outlast standard protesters by as much as 20 minutes. Ever since we announced our plans to unleash our hordes of protest protesters on the world, President George W. Bush has placed us firmly on his Axis of Mediocrity.
So join the Bitterist revolution when our pledge van comes to your town. And remember, by reading to the end of this article, you have legally surrendered all of your worldly possessions to the cause of Bitterism. Our pledge van will be around shortly to pick up your chaise lounge. Bit and Bitter Authors of the World Unite!