In Brief, Volume II
In a stunning reversal, several of the world's most influential cosmetics makers have now agreed to make reparations for the 1980s.
Facing allegations that they "egregiously and repeatedly misled consumers by suggesting that aquamarine eye shadow, Lee Press-On Nails, and A Flock of Seagulls-like styling gel were legitimate fashion options," industry leaders will instead settle with scores of disgruntled plaintiffs, mostly females in their mid-thirties.
Terms of the settlement are said to include free consultations at Merle Norman and makeup bags full of tasteful earth tones.
According to a statement from L'Oreal, the corporations were prepared to fight the suit until a judge overseeing the case ruled that plaintiffs' old yearbook photos and/or Glamour Shots would be admissible after all.
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Senior researchers at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Business announced today that it is, in fact, who you know.
"After analyzing five years' worth of data gathered from the upper echelons of corporate America, numerous junior high school cheerleading tryouts, and Charlie Sheen, we can state with a degree of certainty that being popular or otherwise well-connected just really, really helps," says John Fitzpatrick, the study's author.
Despite the findings, Fitzpatrick urges parents and educators to continue plying kids with the myth that it's what you know, at least during their formative years. "I look at it like the whole Santa Claus thing," he says. "If it makes them feel good, what's the harm? Besides, there'll be plenty of time to broadside them later."
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Victoria's Secret, purveyor of all things silky and scintillating, announced today the launch of a new product line aimed exclusively at the extremely pregnant. While initially limited to expandable bustiers and forgiving satin briefs, VS plans to expand its offerings almost immediately.
"We've done some test marketing with our fringed lamé maternity thong, and the response has been quite positive," says company spokesperson Jennifer Watson. "Because of its control top and snug fit, not only do women feel sexier, but we've also seen a drastic decline in premature labors."
Committed to gilding the beauty of all women, regardless of gestational status, VS predicts its products will forever change the face of fecundity. "Never again," says Watson, "will fishnet belong solely to the barren."
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Busily crafting a position statement on normalized trade relations with China, Barbra Streisand denies recent allegations that she somehow overestimates her relevance in the political arena.
"My opinions matter because I'm an ordinary citizen just like anyone else," she said while speed-dialing Bill Clinton's private line and caning a house boy. Draped in a stunning Donna Karan frock, Streisand, sounding dismayed, instructed the former president to immediately call her back on the car phone.
"I'm already late for a quorum with Rosie O'Donnell and The View, and then I've got to rehearse for my annual farewell concert," she snapped. Asked about the recent Republican takeover in Washington, Streisand declined to comment, preferring to save her remarks for the more proletarian setting of the 20/20 studios.