M:I-3, The Threequel
Bit and Bitter
[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "kibbles 'n' bits" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]
Although we are writing to the general public as usual, we direct today's comments specifically to the Hollywood power-brokers — producers, directors, gaffers — in our audience. Ideally we would put this directly into the hands of the real film industry decision makers: Best Boys, but we know there is no chance of that. (From what we've heard, most of them are illiterate.) We've been working on a treatment for the next installment of the Mission: Impossible series. Mission: Impossible-3: Mission Impossibler. Tagline: If you thought the other two missions were impossible, this is even more impossible. I mean, I guess it turns out that the first two weren't actually impossible since they worked out ok in the end. But this one is so impossible, they really might not be successful in the end. Seriously. Starring Tom Cruise. With hair by David Cassidy.
The film opens in an exotic, as yet to be determined location, like Austria, Venus, or the Elko, Nevada Burger King. Ethan Hunt (played by heart-throb, big-time star Tom Cruise) sits opposite his mysterious foreign contact playing Tiddly Winks. The film will be underwritten by Hasbro to offset some of the costs of blowing up half an entire city (see climax below). There will be some great 360 degree slow motion shots of the tiddles and/or the winks flying through the air to a new version of the theme song written and performed by Tim Rice and Elton John. This composer choice was made after focus groups said that the Limp Bizkit cover was too straight.
The plot will unfold very slowly to cover up the fact that there are only 23 minutes of actual substance, the balance of the film being just slow motion takes of Ethan Hunt (Top Gun's Tom Cruise). The mysterious foreign contact, who was so trusted and loved by Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, as seen in Days of Thunder) during the first Tiddly Winks scene, turns out to be a double agent working for both the French Secret Service (known as le CIA) and the law firm of Phillip DeVrey and Associates.
Ethan Hunt (Hunt For Red October's Tom Cruise) meets some hot foreign chick and they get it on.
Once the villainous nature of the villain is discovered, he and Ethan Hunt (Mission: Impossible I & II star Tom Cruise) embark on a multi-million-dollar, testosterone-laden, crotch-grabbing, strip-the-bark-off-the-birch-tree-and-boil-it-up-in-some-tea chase scene. They will, of course, begin in a BMW XJSII (released in conjunction with this film) and a Dodge Charger. After wrecking the cars, they will continue on motorcycles. As soon as this starts getting old, they will continue for ten more minutes before changing to jet packs, then to wheelbarrows, pogo-sticks, roller skates, potato sacks, and the Hasbro Big Wheel XJSII (released in conjunction with this film). The chase will end with them somehow tied to each other and competing against two seven-year olds in a three-legged race. Which they lose.
In the climax, Ethan Hunt (played by Tom Cruise, star of Pokemon, The Movie) confronts the mysterious foreign operative only to find that it is not the foreign operative, but rather the hot foreign chick wearing a very life-like foreign operative latex mask. But just when you thought that was the major plot twist, Ethan Hunt (this movie's only draw, Tom Cruise) removes his own mask to reveal that he is in fact ex-presidential candidate and Viagra spokesman, Bob Dole. Then the hot foreign chick removes her mask and it is really Ethan Hunt. But Bob Dole is actually Ethan Hunt's father. But Ethan Hunt is not Ethan Hunt but in fact Oprah. Which will freak the audience out because at that moment the other guy pulls off his mask and is also Oprah. Then Ethan will reveal he is not the real Oprah by not knowing any of the recent additions to the Oprah Book List, so he will pull off his mask and shoot Oprah. Then in a final plot twist, he'll pull off the dead Oprah's mask and it will turn out that he really killed Luciano Pavarotti. Slow vertical pan away from Ethan as he is on his knees screaming at the sky, "Noooooo!" Then half of New York blows up. The End.