Apathetics of the World Unite!
Bit and Bitter
[Bit and Bitter are Ryan "little bitty pretty one" Hamilton and Ryan "festering canker of bitterness" Honaker]
The world has grown apathetic. And by the world we mean America. And by apathetic we mean, well, we guess apathetic pretty much covers it.
But don't misconstrue this as a call to arms. Don't think that we are speaking ill of apathy. In fact, we think it's fantastic. And who better to champion the cause of apathy than two guys who just couldn't care less if you paid us. As founders of the League of Apathetics Internationale, we seek to promote indifference and ambivalence to everyone within the sound of our voice. Providing we don't have to yell. Or get up off the couch. At the League of Apathetics Internationale, the only damn we give is that you don't.
And we're happy to announce that we have been very successful. For instance, how many of you watched the Olympics? That's what we thought. No one cares anymore because there are just too many goofy sports. Badminton? Trampoline jumping? Speed walking? Yes, gentle reader, speed walking is an Olympic sport, complete with play-by-play announcing. "We've got a dead heat after thirty-four minutes. In all my years of walking I have never seen walking like this. Such form. It's like the competitor from Cameroon has been walking all his life." Do they have to race down to the Olympic mailbox? How do you train to be an Olympic walker? Do they have to take recuperation days where they can't walk? How would you cross-train? Eating? So how did table tennis and synchronized everything become Olympic events? You can thank us and our team of indefatigable lobbyists slaving away in the IOC. Apathy doesn't just happen by itself, people, it takes countless hours of hard work and tireless dedication. And of course a great PR staff.
As with any public endeavor, the secret to conveying our message to the masses has been more than a matter of mere mundane media advertisements. We have relied heavily on merchandising to both spread our dogma like so much manure and reap in funding capital like so much soy. Below, we halfheartedly present a list of apathetic products and services from our catalogue, Like We Care.
• The Janet Reno Commemorative Make-up Kit ($4.55 or best offer)
Anyone who's seen a press conference knows that this woman gave up on femininity sometime during the Johnson Administration. Now you can look just like her! Handcrafted by the Franklin Mint.
· The Commemorative Wyoming Settler Shallow Frozen Grave Juice Bar (forty head of cattle or two bushels of soy)
The one group of people who obviously gave up before they reached their destination. What shows more apathy than waking up one morning on the plains of Wyoming, looking around and saying to yourself, "Eh, this is good enough." In guava and peach mango. Mangos hand-grown by the Franklin Mint.
• Al Gore and George W. Bush Commemorative Bean Bag Chairs ($2000)
Celebrate the election widely anticipated to have the lowest voter turnout in history by sitting in a plush, extra-wide, beanbag chair and not voting. And to think in some countries people risk their lives to have a voice in their government. Suckers! Available in rayon-polyester Bush or naugahyde Gore. Handcrafted by the Franklin Mint.
• The Commemorative Bit and Bitter Guide to Humor Writing, Spelling, and Grammar (Priceless)
HandCrafted by the frankiln Mint.